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They sound industrious, almost ant-like. Surely there's a place in society for these burglars who allegedly burrowed 40 feet and then smashed through a concrete floor, all to extract $3,500 in Nike shoes and Bucs jerseys from a Sports Authority store.
If these were the 1930s, the Works Progress Administration would have a plan.
Ponder the potential of teaming this whiz-bang excavation team with, say, Neil Cosentino, who has long pushed for a tunnel to satisfy supporters of a Gandy Boulevard hurricane evacuation route.
Cosentino is game.
"Hey, I'm a tunnel guy," he said.
"We'll do anything to get that tunnel built."
Maybe you missed all the dirt:
A cleaning crew entered the Fowler Avenue store just after dawn Wednesday and saw a dust-covered intruder sink into the golf department floor like a hole in one.
Sheriff's deputies tracked the tunnel through nearby woods to the perimeter of an apartment building. They found Gary Leon Lowden, 43, covered in sand. They also found boxes of merchandise.
While authorities searched for accomplices, Lowden went to jail - which, if he's the right guy, could be like putting Harry Houdini in a straitjacket.
Yo.
Anyone seen the prisoner lately?
"Now that you bring it up, I think I'll check and ensure he's assigned to a cell on the second floor," said Maj. Steve Saunders, who oversees the jails, including Orient Road, where Lowden is housed. "I'll ask the guy down below to let us know if he notices anything.
"I'm glad you called."
By Friday, word of the Great Florida Burrowing Escapade had made its way to Punxsutawney, Penn., home of America's premier burrower, Punxsutawney Phil.
Funeral home owner Bill Deeley, who plucks the ground hog from a stump each year and hoists him high on national television, expressed Phil's disappointment over the apparent misappropriation of burrowing skills by at least one burglar.
"Phil would say he should take his time and donate it to charitable work," Deeley said.
Deeley, grandson of a coal miner, also marveled at the "engineering know-how" demonstrated in the break-in.
"He's nobody's dummy," Deeley said.
"He can't be stupid."
No one wound up stuck in the aquifer.
No one was crushed to death by falling rock, exercise bikes or barbells.
No one drowned.
"This guy had to have some mathematical engineering ability just to come up in the right place," Deeley said.
"Instead of putting him in jail, the city should use him for some sort of work that they need done."
Exactly.
Cosentino isn't so impressed by the aim of the tunnelers ("Did they think they were breaking into Fort Knox?"), but he, too, senses that some skill level must have been involved.
He remembers what happened when a city contractor tried to install a 48-inch pipe under Seddon Channel from Davis Islands to Hooker's Point earlier this year.
"At least they don't hit sewer lines," he said.
Might the Sports Authority tunnelers lend assistance to Tampa's reclaimed water project?
Might the diggers help with Interstate 275 embankments?
Could they assist us with more worthy tunnel targets, like the Nordstrom shoe department, Jon Gruden's locker room, or the Wright's Gourmet House cake cooler?
Finally, might they put an end to this Gandy Connector debate, perhaps in exchange for a few autographed Bucs jerseys?
Critics claim a Gandy tunnel would be too expensive and could even flood, two obstacles that certainly didn't seem to get in the way this time.
"If you want to hire those guys to start digging on Gandy," Cosentino says, "by all means, invite them."
- Tampa's Kennedy Boulevard was once called Grand Central. Now Grand Central is the name of a weekly column by Times senior editor Patty Ryan. Reach Patty Ryan at 226-3382 or pryan@sptimes.com