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IT!
Only strong people can say they're sorry
By CECILIA A. TUCKER
Published September 22, 2003
I seem to get into a lot of trouble. It is not limited to my home, school or friends. I am the designated troublemaker wherever I go. I find myself in trouble all the time, which means I have to apologize a lot, and those words are almost impossible for me to utter. I hate having to admit when I have done something wrong.
Why is it so hard for me to apologize and take responsibility for my mistakes? Somehow in my head, when I apologize I think other people are deciding I am stupid and a loser. I start thinking that saying I'm sorry means I am not worth very much because I made dumb decisions and mistakes.
I feel that saying I'm sorry makes the other person a winner. I guess it is hard for me to admit to myself and others that I am not perfect.
Sometimes, when I know I am wrong, I think up these great lines to say to the person I offended. Then, when I see the person, I convince myself they had a part in the problem, too. Why should I apologize first? I find myself awkwardly standing in front of this person until one of us "bails out."
When this happens, I get real stubborn because I start justifying why I shouldn't apologize first. I am good at justifying and rationalizing my position. Maybe I should find a profession that sees justifying and rationalizing as assets.
What am I really saying about myself when I say I am sorry? Am I saying that I am a sorry person and there is no excuse for me even to exist? Am I saying I am sorry because I got caught? Or am I saying I am sorry I hurt another person and, even though I may have done it on purpose, I now realize I was wrong?
I know not everyone struggles about admitting they are wrong. Is this something I never learned to do, or was it something I was born with and cannot change? If that is the case, I am sorry, because I do not like myself much when I won't admit wrongdoing. Can I change this part of me?
Yes, I can and I will. I am not a bad person because I do bad things to others. I am selfish and I am jealous of other people and their achievements. My own insecurities make me say and do things that are hurtful.
I don't like myself very much; I know the parts of me that are tainted and cruel. I want to have friends. I want to fit in and belong. I want my family to want to be around me and respect me. I hurt inside when I get to the point that I will not budge and admit my mistakes.
I say things I wish I could take back. I don't say the things I wish I could say to make things right, especially with the people I love most.
I think I am afraid to say I am sorry because I know it is the truth. Making mistakes does not mean I am a mistake; that is the thinking I have to stop so I can move forward in my relationships with others.
I have to convince myself that when I confess my faults, it does not show weakness. I have to reassure myself that when I say I am sorry to someone, regardless of what they do with my apology, I will feel better because I will be starting to be more honest with myself. I think that change will make the difference.
When I apologize I will feel better and think more highly of myself; ultimately that will make me right with myself and others.
- IT! Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com
