Here's how the great American cheeseburger-and-fries meal traditionally has been eaten:
First, you pick up your cheeseburger, take a big bite and put it down. Then you pick up a handful of french fries and shove them into your mouth. Repeat the process until finished. (Optional wiping of ketchup and crumbs from chin and shirt is allowed.)
This system has worked well enough, as millions of overfed Americans can attest. Yet the old-fashioned cheeseburger-and-fries gorging process is inefficient. Only ambidextrous eaters can inhale their cheeseburger and their fries at the same time. This leads to a burning of energy, through repetitive plate-to-mouth hand movements, that counteracts the process of intense caloric intake.
But thanks to the same American ingenuity that put astronauts on the moon and put Tang in astronauts' lunch boxes, the long-held dream of simultaneous cheeseburger-and-fries consumption has become reality.
Say hello to cheeseburger fries, the brainchild of mad food scientists at the National Cattlemen's Beef Association. Looking a little like fried mozzarella sticks gone bad, the beef-cheese-and-breading creations are being marketed as appetizers, but the typical serving contains enough calories and fat to destroy a dozen heart-smart diets.
Originally available only in the Midwest, the great heartland of American heartburn, cheeseburger fries are slogging their way onto restaurant menus across the nation. That means you, too, will soon be able to eat your cheeseburger and fries at the same time, with one hand tied behind your back.
Stuffing ourselves will never be more convenient than this, unless the Beef Association scientists come up with a tasty way to inject cholesterol directly into our arteries.
