It sounds like something out of a spaghetti western.
A new lawman rides into town on his trusty steed, telegraphed in to combat the lawlessness around him. He lifts the brim of his weathered Stetson, narrowing his eyes as he surveys the six-shootin' bandits and horse thieves that line the streets of this dusty old gulch.
The gulch: Sun City Center. The trusty steed: a golf cart. A new sheriff's deputy, Rob Thornton, is walking the Sun City Center beat, and he's looking to clean up the town.
Just this summer, Thornton took over as community resource deputy in Sun City Center, and he's already noticed a few areas of concern.
Foremost among them is the problem of speeding - something Wyatt Earp rarely had to deal with.
Thornton spends a couple of hours nearly every day out on the road with a new weapon at his hip: A $3,000 laser speed detector, courtesy of WCI Communities Inc., the development group behind Sun City Center.
"Because most of the residential roads throughout Sun City Center are residential roads - they twist, they turn - if you're going 5 mph over the speed limit, it seems like you're flying," Thornton says. "On a side road like that, if you're not going real close to the speed limit, it can real easily result in a wreck."
There are also new traffic calming measures in place on State Road 674. In response to Thornton's complaints about speeding, county traffic officials altered the timing schedule of the four traffic signals between Cypress Village Boulevard and U.S. 301.
By Thornton's own account, it is physically impossible to drive between those two roads without stopping at one or more intersections.
However, this policy may not last. Among the most vocal opponents he's encountered are law enforcement officials who have to stop on their way to a crime scene, even in the middle of the night.
"I've met with as much opposition to it as I have support for it," he says. "It's a drag for us to have to stop for all those lights when we need to get somewhere in a hurry."
Still, Thornton is married to the law, and he plans to uphold it. He is particularly chagrined by golf cart drivers who putter around like they own the place - which in some cases, is not far from the truth.
"I've had to write a couple of tickets to people who didn't seem to understand that a stop sign applies to them also on a golf cart," he said. "They do some crazy things on those golf carts."
YOU'VE HEARD OF DWI'S AND DUI'S, but you fans of the Axies know there's nothing the Lane Ranger relishes more than a DIL.
That would be Driving Into Livestock.
Just think about the poor cow that caused this week's Axie. We'll call her Bessie.
According to the crash report, Bessie was standing near State Road 60, not far from the Polk County line, late one night a few weeks ago.
Apparently, something got into her, and she darted across the eastbound lanes and median - straight into a Chevrolet.
The Chevy sideswiped the cow and went into a ditch, which is bad enough. But then along comes a second car, an Isuzu pickup truck, which swerved just enough to where its front only clipped the cow.
And then, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, a Pontiac barrels in behind, slamming once again into the cow.
Unfortunately, Bessie is no more. But her passing leaves us with one important question: How did three cars hit one cow on a major roadway?
The crash report notes that this particular section of SR 60 was not well lit.
Maybe so, but don't all Chevrolets, Isuzus and Pontiacs come standard with headlights these days? You'd think it wouldn't be too difficult to notice (a) a cow and (b) two other cars hitting said cow.
Bessie, you've taught us all a lesson: Rural east Hillsborough County is no place to take your eyes off the road late at night.
- The Lane Ranger is currently stuck in traffic. But he can be reached at cridlin@sptimes.com
