By KATHERINE SNOW SMITH
Published November 23, 2003
Are you a helicopter or a drill sergeant?
Do you hover around your child ready to prevent them from making any mistakes? If they forget their library book, do you rush to school on your lunch hour to return it for them?
Or are you constantly barking orders so they never have to think of anything on their own?
According to a popular child-rearing philosophy, "Parenting with Love and Logic," we should be consultants who listen to and encourage our kids, but allow them to learn from their own mistakes. The approach suggests that parents follow four principles: enhance children's concept of self; share control with them, but set strict limits and don't give repeated threats; give consequences with empathy; and get them involved in solving their behavior problems.
Parenting with Love and Logic is the brainchild of Jim Fay, a teacher and principal for 31 years, and Foster Cline, a child psychologist. The two co-founded the Love and Logic Institute in Golden, Col., and write books, sell videos and make lectures.
Trainers and psychologists with the Pinellas school system have embraced their philosophy and have been passing it on to teachers and parents throughout the county for about two years. I was one of about 125 parents who went to the free workshop recently in Palm Harbor. I learned a few useful tactics but did not leave with a changed view on how to parent my kids.
"Not one philosophy works with every kid every time," said Ann Bowman, a school psychologist who led the workshop with Claudia Hunter, a Pinellas County schools prevention specialist. Bowman discussed the first principle of building kids' self concept. We should build them up so they want to behave on their own instead of harping on them constantly after they misbehave.
We should make a mental note or even jot down the positive things our kids do. When you feel like you've only been correcting them, drop in a few one-sentence interventions like "I noticed you read a book to your sister without her asking" or "I noticed you didn't get angry when your sister accidentally ripped your paper." We don't need to thank them profusely for doing what should be expected of them but just let them know we saw it and we're pleased.
Bowman also spelled out the acronym TEST. The first "T" is for touch. Hug kids, hold their hands and pat them on the back often. The "E" is a reminder to make eye contact. "S" is for smile. And the final "T" is for time. It may be talking in the car, grating the taco cheese together after work, or going through their backpacks together. Just try to give your child some bit of focused time each day.
Bowman offered a great line for when they're doing something they shouldn't: "Smile, touch them, use eye contact and ask: "Could you stop doing that just for me?"'
The second principle of "shared control" talked about presenting choices. First, make sure you'll be happy with either option you give. Choices are good when they encourage kids to do what you want them to do because they feel like they are doing what they want to as well. But I don't like using them too often. Kids need to learn sometimes that parents are the only ones who can make the important decisions.
Toward that point, Love and Logic suggests the enforceable statement: telling our children what we will and will not do and there's no debate about it. When your kid is talking back or losing his temper, tell him: "I will be glad to listen to you when you are calm and can talk with a nice voice." A parent in the crowd, however, noted: "But this doesn't work on spouses."
Hunter talked about giving consequences with empathy. Don't go too easy on children, but make the consequences logical so they accept it and move on. You don't want them to focus more on how unfair you are than how wrong their behavior was.
"If you withhold the senior prom from them years from now, they're going to remember that, but they won't have any idea what they did to get there," Hunter said. And when you dish out a consequence, show some empathy with a short and simple comment, but don't get too emotional. "I know this is sad for you," shows you are aware of their feelings, but that it is their problem and not yours.
If you or your child are really angry it's okay to wait until you are calmer to talk about consequences. Sometimes the anticipation itself can be worse than the actual consequence.
The principle of shared thinking teaches parents how to get their children into a thinking mode verses a whining, arguing, angry mode.
"People can argue or they can solve problems, but not at the same time," the Love and Logic guidelines. So we should ask our kids open-ended questions such as "What do you think you're going to do?" or "How will (that plan) work?"
Beth Bradford, mother of four boys ages 2 through 8, said she got a lot out of the workshop. "Some of these strategies will definitely work for me because my kids want to feel they have some control," she said. With control comes responsibility for their own behavior, she hopes.
Theresa Ross said she plans to use the phrase: "I'll talk to you when you calm down" on her 8-year-old son. She also will try letting him have some input on his consequences.
For more information on Parenting with Love and Logic, click on www.loveandlogic.com Call the Pinellas County Schools at 588-6130 to find out about free parenting workshops.
