At a time such as this, you can slam your fist onto your desk in anger.
You can scream out of your window. You can howl at the moon. You can curse the darkness and, furthermore, the dorkness.
Or, you can laugh.
The BCS messed up again? Of course the BCS messed up again. This is supposed to be news? The BCS messed up because it's a messed-up system designed to figure out which team messed up least. Which is, of course, a messed-up idea.
Machines fail. Didn't three Terminator movies teach us anything? Didn't six seasons of the BCS, in which the computers laid an egg every other year, convince us?
When you get a load of the guys in charge of input, we're lucky the Starfleet Academy didn't wind up in the title game. One more time: You can admire the smart kid in math class all you want, but you don't ask him to decide the toughest kid on the playground.
To sum up: Oklahoma is rock. Southern Cal is scissors. LSU is paper.
At a time like this, you can let your blood pressure soar.
You can notice the New York Times computer ranked Texas ahead of Oklahoma, even though the Sooners slipped past the Longhorns, oh, 65-13. You can notice Jeff Sagarin's computer has Miami (No, the Other One) ranked ahead of Southern Cal. You can remember the computer geekazoids were waiting for Boise State to finish playing before they could finish adding.
Or, you can help.
I know, I know. You have a playoff formula that would work. Everyone has a playoff formula that would work. The kid in charge of pickles at the Burger King drive-through has a formula.
But there isn't going to be a playoff. The big conferences are tickled to death with the way they own the current system.
There will be noise. There will be fine-tuning. There will be adjustments. After that, maybe the BCS will decide your next income statement.
What, then, are we to do? In the absence of common sense, in college football's refusal to listen to outcry of a nation, what is left?
Well, if you know me, you know I'm here to help. I, too, have a computer.
Also, I have a few factors the BCS should weigh:
MARGIN OF VICTORY: What idiot decided this wasn't important? The BCS has decided that beating someone 10-9 was every bit as impressive as beating them 48-7. Well, it isn't. Tougher teams win easier.
So give 10 points to Oklahoma, which won by an average of 30.8 points per game. Give nine to LSU (24.1) and eight to USC (23.5).
TIME OF DEFEAT: The computers don't care when a team loses. Ha. Tell that to the Philadelphia Eagles, who lost in the NFC title game to the Bucs last season. Every coach alive knows the season gets tougher as it goes along. If you're going to lose, do it early.
Give USC 10, LSU eight, Oklahoma three.
STRENGTH OF SCHEDULE: By all means, a team should get credit for beating somebody. But don't stop it at the Top 10. Include games against Top 25 teams. And give half credit if a team was ranked high at the time of the game.
For instance, when USC beat Auburn, the Tigers were supposed to be all that and a glass of lemonade. Does USC get something for that?
Give Oklahoma 10 points for beating Texas. Give LSU nine for beating Georgia twice. Give Southern Cal five for beating Auburn.
WEAKNESS OF SCHEDULE: Hey, this is important, too. Why should a team be able to glide through a week? Put it this way. I have much more of a problem with LSU beating Louisiana-Monroe than with USC beating Notre Dame. It isn't USC's fault that Notre Dame stunk.
Take away 10 points from LSU for Monroe and Western Illinois. Take seven away from Oklahoma for North Texas and Fresno State. Take three away from Southern Cal for Hawaii.
THE SUITCASE FACTOR: It's tough enough to beat the Cartwrights, but sometimes, you have to do it at the Ponderosa. Winning tough games on the road should be a part of any successful season.
At least USC had to win at Auburn, Washington and Notre Dame. That's worth seven points. Four for LSU (Ole Miss). Oklahoma gets six points for playing Texas on a neutral field.
BEST MASCOT: Hey, as long as we agree this is subjective, why not?
I give Oklahoma nine points for the Boomer Schooner. I give Southern Cal eight for Traveler. I give LSU 10 for Mike the Tiger.
THE FAME FACTOR: John Wayne alone is worth 10 points for USC (you do NOT wish to try to match celebrities with the Trojans). Huey Long is worth seven for LSU. Brian Bosworth gets one point for Oklahoma, and the Sooners should be grateful for that.
THE INFAMY FACTOR: Knock off 10 USC points for O.J. Simpson. Knock off eight from LSU for Billy Cannon, who made his own money. Oklahoma gets minus-2 for ex-player Jerry Park, who once shot a teammate.
NEIGHBORHOOD BULLY TEST: If you aren't your conference champion, you can't be national champion. Oh, and every team should be required to play a conference title game.
Ten points for LSU, five for USC, none for Oklahoma.
GRADUATION RATES: It's a silly idea. Forget I brought it up.
Six points for everyone.
So there you have it. Southern Cal and LSU should play for the national title. No, it isn't as good as having a playoff.
Still, there is only so much we scientists can do.
