Sideshow

HOLIDAY NEWSLETTERS WE'D LIKE TO SEE:

"And here I am in London, in the middle of the top row, with a bunch of other winners of American Idol-like shows to compete on a World Idol show this month. Can you believe they made me do this? I did their American show. I did all their PR. I embarrassed myself with Justin in their stupid movie. Hey, I have a real career now. I've been nominated for a Grammy! I begged Simon to use his pull and get Clay Aiken ... um, I mean Ruben Studdard sent instead, but they wanted the people who won the first Idol shows in different countries. I guess the upside is, look at these people: I'm a shoo-in to win.

- Thankful (my debut album on RCA Records) for an almost great year, Kelly Clarkson."

"Here's how glamorous being a celebrity in a hit TV show really is. Notice how bad I look, third from the left, in this CSI cast photo from a party Vanity Fair threw for us in Vegas only because we were in town for filming. (Is there anything Vanity Fair won't do to kiss up to celebrities?) I was up at 4 a.m. for filming in the desert. Then, after a 15-hour day, I was forced to go home, change and make an appearance to keep CBS happy. (Is there a Hollywood PR person who doesn't want Vanity Fair kissing up to them?) What I still want to know is why Bill Petersen, the guy who plays Grissom, got out of photo duty.

- Keep your DNA in check, Marg Helgenberger."

"I could not believe what happened at the Cold Mountain premiere in London on Dec. 14. I told Jude Law not to get near me after all those rumors about how we had an affair on the set and I broke up his marriage, and then me suing that London tabloid for libel and winning (the money will really help me get the kids better Christmas presents than they'll get from Tom this year). It was all I could do to look pleasant when Jude came on, uh, up to me on the way into the theater.

- See The Last Samurai to keep that child support coming, Nicole Kidman."

"I know what you're thinking: Who could have had a better wedding than ME?! It cost millions, and I didn't have to pay for it!! It was on national television!! I was on magazine covers!! And I know you've all been waiting for your personalized white-leather-bound, three-volume set of wedding photos, but we're having problems getting them back from the printer (ABC didn't want to pay for them because the ratings weren't up to the level specified in our contract). So until we can clear this up, I'm enclosing a photo from the only wedding that comes close to rivaling mine, Victor and Nikki's third on The Young and the Restless.

- Hearts and Flowers (all in pink, of course!), Trista Rehn Sutter."