Everyone at One Buc Place would like a playoff appearance under the tree on Christmas morning, but that's something even Santa's magic cannot guarantee. So while they work toward that gift, one unidentified member of the Bucs' 53-man roster - our Secret Santa - was kind enough to take us through what he thinks should be in the stockings of some of his teammates.
By ROGER MILLS
Published December 20, 2003
RM: Now Santa, could you tell me what's going to be in the stockings of a few of the guys?
SANTA: No problem. Where you want to start?
RM: Off the bat, let's talk about Brad Johnson.
SANTA: Ah yes, Brad Johnson. He's having a great year, no doubt. But I think he needs the gift of speed. He's getting the Sharper Image Electric X7 Scooter (battery operated).
RM: Surely, Santa, you're not saying that your veteran quarterback is not the most fleet of foot?
SANTA: It can get up to 10 mph of unassisted speed. He could do with a little bit more get-up, a little bit more.
RM: Ken Dilger has been bothered by a hip strain. So aside from a new hip, what should he get?
SANTA: The perfect gift for Ken is a Scrabble game.
RM: Scrabble?
SANTA: Scrabble. The thing about Ken Dilger is that he thinks he's a brain. He purports to be the brain in the locker room. Santa wants to see just how much of a brain he really is. He's the "brain!" So Santa is getting him a Scrabble game. Not the small portable one, but the big one. Let's see Mr. Brain spell.
RM: Now, who's the Children's Western Ranger Cowboy gun and rifle set (with orange plastic tips) for?
SANTA: Joe Jurevicius. This is the perfect gift for Joe. He swears he can hunt. He swears he's a gun expert. Of course, we have no proof of his hunting skills. No proof. The only teammates we've ever seen with animal trophies are Warren Sapp, John Howell and Todd Yoder. But where are Joe's alleged trophies? Santa knows the truth.
RM: Next on the list is Thomas Jones.
SANTA: He's easy. He's getting The Singing Machine, karaoke player. You see, the problem with Thomas Jones is that he thinks he can rap. He thinks he can flow. He's a wanna-be rap star. But he needs some practice.
RM: So Santa, are you saying T.J. has got no skills?
SANTA: Let me put it to you this way: When it comes to his rapping, he's going to be one of those one-hit wonders who will never be seen or heard of again. In fact, I think Santa's going to give him a small portable one that he can take on the road, so he can practice when he's in the hotel room.
RM: What about John Lynch?
SANTA: He gets the Pilates Body Ring Kit and Mat. He's always doing stuff with his body. Always fine-tuning his body. Always stretching, turning, twisting. He's always contorting his body. Santa thinks he needs something like this so that he can get in tune with his body.
RM: I notice there's a DVD?
SANTA: Yes, no doubt, he gets the DVD as well. It'll help him SEE the exercises.
RM: I'm scared to ask, but is there something in there for Simeon Rice?
SANTA: This giant telescope, with super strength. You know that book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Well, Simeon is from another universe. He's out there. He's from his own planet. We call it Ricebowl. It's way out there. I mean, way out there. You've heard him. So, with this gift, he can look up into the sky and see his peeps. He can see what's happening back home and feel at ease. It's past Pluto from what I hear.
RM: What's this that looks and smells like something from the Body Shop?
SANTA: That's for (left tackle) Roman Oben.
RM: I'm afraid to ask.
SANTA: Roman gets a Seaweed Mask kit, as well as the Tea Tree oil and facial scrub lotion. Roman loves the lotions and creams. He's always putting something on his skin. The other day, Roman went to the laser doctor to get his razor bumps removed from under his neck. They ran a picture in the paper and called him the new (hairless) Tarzan. We posted it up in the offensive line meeting room.
RM: You're saying the starting left tackle likes to pamper his skin?
SANTA: He really does. And Santa's going to get a back scrubber to help him reach his entire body.
RM: What's the deal with the garment bag?
SANTA: That's a Louis Vuitton garment bag for Kenyatta Walker. He walks around with this old Gators duffel bag from when he was at the University of Florida. I mean old. The thing is horrible. He's a first-round pick in the NFL. The least he could do is have something nice. Between him and Reggie Barlow, I don't who's worse. But Kenyatta's a first-round pick, he could have spent a few dollars on some good luggage. But Santa will help him out.
RM: Santa, I'm pretty sure surprising Warren Sapp on Christmas morning is tough.
SANTA: True, but we could always give him a life-sized cutout of Michael Jordan to put over his bed. He's obsessed with Jordan. But I think what he really needs is a bottle of Opus One and a set of Waterford Crystal wine glasses to go with it.
RM: Opus One, what's that? Rare wine, I presume?
SANTA: It's a very fine wine. We'll get him a bottle of the 1987. That's their best.
RM: Surely you're not giving Anthony McFarland, self-described golf expert, something for his golf game.
SANTA: Absolutely, this is the Club Champ Electric Swing Groove Golf Coach and Analyzer.
RM: I take it Booger's golf game needs help?
SANTA: Santa knows Booger's golf swing is not in groove. He may think it's in groove, but it's not. So he needs to fire his old coach, the human coach, and get with the new electronic coach. Hopefully, it'll improve his swing. Hopefully.
RM: What's in there for your lesser-known defensive tackles, like Chartric Darby and Cleveland Pinkney?
SANTA: Those boys are always eating, trying to make weight. They like to eat. So they get an outdoor grill. This is for Chuck to do the cooking because when he does, he brings the unknown to the table.
RM: Now, I know Derrick Brooks doesn't need anything.
SANTA: Wrong. He needs these speakers to go with his IPod. He walks around listening to these CDs on this old CD player that he had when they went to the championship game in 1999. That 1999 stuff is played out. He's got to get off the CDs and get to the MP3s. He needs these Alec Lansing In Motion Portable Audio speakers.
RM: That'll make a difference?
SANTA: Especially if he goes to the EQ setting and selects it to small speakers. In that way, we won't have to hear the (high-pitched scratchy) sound.
RM: Why's your bag so heavy?
SANTA: Well, in it I've got two 45-pound dumbbells for Michael Pittman, along with a lifetime supply of Ralph Lauren sleeveless vests for him to flex out his arms. He and Thomas are always flexing.
RM: Sounds to me like you've got some hate there, Santa.
SANTA: None at all. In fact, he and Thomas get a lifetime supply of Johnson's Baby Oil so they can oil themselves down every day.
RM: What does Dwight Smith need?
SANTA: This here is a custom made Hugo Boss suit.
RM: That's awfully generous of you, Santa.
SANTA: But Smitty needs it. It's a chocolate brown with baby blue pinstripes. It comes with a baby blue shirt and a chocolate brown tie. It comes with a pair of fresh Detroit Gators (shoes). We've had enough of the throwback jerseys. He's about to be a star in the NFL now, he can't always be seen in those retro sports shirts.
RM: Keyshawn?
SANTA: He gets a big hug. All things considered, he could use a little bit of football spirit.
RM: Santa, have you forgotten your coach?
SANTA: Nope, Santa is going to give him a brand new facility.
RM: Ah, you mean the blueprints for a new facility, right?
SANTA: No, the actual facility. Santa is trying to push this through as quickly as possible. It's going to be state-of-the-art. And his office is going to have a 100-inch video screen that goes from one wall to the other so he can review game film. The screen is going to be huge. This is what he wants.
