Parents need to instruct early and often, changing the message as children age and "practicing" their response to dangerous situations, experts say.
By SHARON GINN
Published February 23, 2004
Not too long ago, with the help of the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office, Nancy McBride conducted an experiment.
The director of prevention education for the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children in Alexandria, Va., McBride got permission from three sets of parents to send a plainclothes deputy to their home, where he would try to get their children, ranging in age from 9 to 12, to open the door.
"The parents unequivocally said, "My child will not open the door.' They know (the rule), they understand it, they don't do it,' " McBride said. "Three out of three, not only did they open the door, he got in the house.
"His story was, "I live in your neighborhood, my car broke down and I need to use the phone.' He'd say things like, "Oh, my child goes to your school.' Thank goodness this guy was a good guy, because he had it down. None of those kids thought he was a stranger."
The abduction of 11-year-old Carlie Brucia in Sarasota, caught on tape for the world to see how quickly it can happen, was a stunning reminder of how vulnerable children are. It also raised questions for many parents about what kids should know about avoiding an abduction and how to teach them about it.
McBride, who also runs the center's Florida branch in Lake Park near West Palm Beach, travels all over the country to talk to kids and their parents about staying safe. When she wants to get the message out to teenagers - who make up the toughest audience she faces - she sends energetic young staffers who look like they might be just out of college.
Her job is not only to help parents educate their children, but also to judge whether the message is getting through. She thinks that maybe it isn't. She and other child safety experts want parents to know that teaching kids how to stay out of dangerous situations is an ongoing process that should start early. Many parents aren't doing enough of it.
"The thing that parents miss is practicing with their kids," McBride said. "Parents are good about going over the stuff verbally, but they don't take it to the next level: "Say you were with me in a store and you got lost; what would you do? What if you were out with a friend and somebody approached you? What would you do?' "
Paul Stanley, director of Kids Fighting Chance Inc. in Chicago, which runs safety training programs for children, teaches kids how to avoid and deal with dangerous situations. Parents need to talk to their children as much as possible about different strategies and situations, Stanley said. The most important thing is communication.
"We don't do that as parents," Stanley said. "We think it's going to scare the kid. It's actually us who are scared. . . . Psychologists have told us that when a child has a course of action, it lowers their anxiety."
Tailor the message
Of course, the education should be age-appropriate, and parents are the best judges of when their children are ready to grasp certain concepts. Many say the time to start teaching about safety is age 3 or 4. McBride thinks it can begin even earlier, when children begin putting words together.
" "Stay with Mommy,' or "Stay with Daddy' are some of the most important messages you're going to give to a child," McBride said.
You can begin telling, say, a 4-year-old to yell if he gets separated from his parents, or to look for a clerk at a store, a police officer or a mother with kids and ask for help.
"But that is a lot for a little kid to get," McBride said. "Giving (little) kids a bunch of rules to live by is not very effective or productive," especially if parents start giving them strict messages about strangers, which could make children fearful or confused.
At this age, "You can also begin to talk about children's private areas and places that only people like doctors or people who are caring for them should have contact with," said David Finkelhor, professor of sociology and director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire.
Five- or 6-year-olds can grasp a little more information. It's also the beginning of about a five-year window when children can not only begin to understand but are more apt to listen to parents.
"It is a little tricky to know when to introduce these concepts," Finkelhor said, but parents can begin telling kids why they should never get into strange cars and should avoid getting too close to people asking for information. They should also be told not to go off with somebody they don't know who claims to have been sent by a parent. Parents also can provide more information about inappropriate touching.
"Emphasize (that) they should tell, that they have a right to say no," Finkelhor said.
The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children's Web site (www.missingkids.com) has a link to its "Knowing My 8 Rules for Safety," which McBride said is geared for ages 5 and up. (Under "Featured Publications," click "more publications" and scroll down to the title.) Among other tips, it tells kids to always take a friend along when they go places or play outside; to always check with a parent or a trusted adult before going anywhere; and to know their full name, address, telephone number and parents' names.
McBride said the basic message parents should give kids ages 5 to about 9 or 10 is "You can always come to Mommy or Daddy. There is nothing you can't tell me, and I will always be there to help you," McBride said. "That's the calm reassurance kids need when you talk to them about safety."
Though her main message is avoidance, McBride said she also tells parents to teach kids to scream and make a commotion if they ever think they are in danger.
One thing she tells parents not to do is give endless lectures about strangers. " "Stranger danger' is useless as a teaching method for children," McBride said. "It leaves them helpless if they are ever lost. Kids perceive strangers as ugly, scary, mean and dirty. That (Palm Beach County) deputy, he completely lost his stranger status once they opened the door."
Stanley, of Kids Fighting Chance, agrees that teaching avoidance is most important. His No. 1 tip for kids is that a well-meaning adult is never going to ask a child for directions or for help, such as to search for a lost puppy. But Stanley, whose company conducts seminars and markets a safety video for children, takes it a step further. Sometimes kids do find themselves in scary situations, Stanley said, and they have to know what to do.
"Our stuff goes through every phase of an abduction," Stanley said. "The poor girl in Sarasota, it was a classic one-armed grab. We train for that. If they can't get away, we teach them how not to be put in the vehicle. If they're in the vehicle, unfortunately, they have three hours to live, statistically. We teach them ways to disable the vehicle. My 6-year-old daughter can teach you three ways to disable a car."
Continuing education
Unfortunately, McBride said, some parents teach their young children about safety and then stop talking about it because they assume the kids get it. That's a mistake. The average abductee, she said, is like Carlie, 11 years old and female.
"They are so not ready to go," McBride said. "They've got all sorts of other things in their heads. They want independence. . . . (But) they still need the backup, they still need to have the rules reinforced, they still need to have their parents talk to them."
Teaching Internet safety and keeping an extra-close eye on what kids are doing online is important for this age group. McBride also recommends using the Carlie video, as tragic and frightening as it is, as a powerful visual learning experience for preteens and teenagers.
At this age, often the most effective voice comes from peers or from the Internet. The center's Web site features a 15-year-old girl named Amy, who recounts a harrowing story about how she ran away at 14 to meet a 42-year-old man she met in a chat room for teen depression.
"Teenagers get into very complicated situations that are hard to anticipate," said Finkelhor, of the University of New Hampshire. "The most important thing is to keep an open line of communication. It's important for them to know that people who seem to be attractive and interesting and caring may try to take advantage of them, sexually and emotionally."
McBride looks for "teachable moments." While shopping, for example, parents could talk to their kids for a few minutes about what they would do if they encountered a dangerous situation at the mall, "and then go get some pizza." The more you ask them to problem-solve, she said, the more likely the appropriate response will be automatic.
McBride said she believes that Carlie "was just paralyzed with fear." Kids need to know that they have the power to help themselves if they are ever in a similar situation.
"I wanted to run at the television and scream, "Run, run!' " McBride said. "I felt so helpless. That's the message. (Screaming and fighting) doesn't make you uncool; it's not embarrassing. You're just getting out of a bad situation as fast as you can.
"We have to make sure that children's alarms go off so they realize the situation they're in is dangerous."
For more information
Parents can visit the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children's Web site, www.missingkids.com and download publications for free, including "Personal Safety for Children: A Guide for Parents," Internet safety tips for kids and teens, and "Knowing My 8 Rules for Safety." To learn about Kids Fighting Chance and to see its 50-plus safety tips for kids, visit www.kidsfightingchance.com For research and statistics, visit the Crimes Against Children Research Center's Web site, www.unh.edu/ccrc/
