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Although he is retired, noted cliche expert Dr. I.M. Hackneyed agreed to be interviewed for the opening day of the 2004 session of the Florida Legislature.
Q. Dr. Hackneyed, thank you for the time. As always, let's start with how to describe the desks of the legislators on opening day.
A. If you insist. On opening day, the members' desks are bedecked with flowers from well-wishers. They also are festooned.
Q. Are there any new cliches this year?
A. House-Senate tensions are threatening to erupt in open warfare.
Q. Don't House-Senate tensions always threaten to erupt in open warfare?
A. Yes. But this year they have been made worse, or if you will, exacerbated, by House Speaker Johnnie Byrd, R-Plant City. He has made revealing comments.
Q. Were the comments of House Speaker Johnnie Byrd, R-Plant City, also untimely and ill-considered, or perhaps unpolitic?
A. Most definitely. Byrd threatens the already frayed relations between the conservative House and the more moderate Senate.
Q. What is the job of Gov. Jeb Bush on opening day?
A. The governor delivers his State of the State address. He will sound an optimistic note, unless he sets a grim tone.
Q. What does anyone who disagrees with the governor engage in?
A. Anyone who disagrees with the governor engages in the old way of thinking. They cling to the tired rhetoric of the past.
Q. Will House Speaker Johnnie Byrd, R-Plant City, speak today?
A. Yes. He must use the phrase "member-driven."
Q. Should we consider the phrase "member-driven" in a wry, ironic light, given the recent comments made by House Speaker Johnnie Byrd, R-Plant City, comparing members of the House to sheep who must be led?
A. I am an expert in cliches, not irony.
Q. Sorry. Does the fact that House Speaker Johnnie Byrd, R-Plant City, is running for U.S. Senate also loom over the session?
A. It is too early to tell. It may lurk in the background, or merely be an undercurrent.
Q. Where do bills come from?
A. In the past, bills were penned, or cobbled together in committee. Now they almost always are crafted by lobbyists.
Q. Are members chagrined when it is revealed their bill was crafted by lobbyists?
A. They are not chagrined anymore. That cliche is out of date.
Q. What should be said of bills that help polluters, hurt poor people, weaken the public schools or grant a special-interest tax break?
A. It should be said that such a bill empowers families.
Q. What happens if a legislator gets caught doing something wrong?
A. The legislator decries the media. He or she asks the state Ethics Commission to make findings.
Q. What findings does the state Ethics Commission make?
A. No ethics laws were violated.
Q. What happens for the first nine-tenths of the session?
A. Nothing.
Q. What then?
A. As the deadline for adjournment looms, the solons will work feverishly into the night to cope with a logjam of bills in a last-minute frenzy. They will wrangle, lock horns, and wrest or wring concessions. House-Senate compromises must be hammered out.
Q. What if no House-Senate compromises are hammered out?
A. Then there is a train wreck. The session threatens to go into overtime, costing the taxpayers an extra $40,000 a day.
Q. What do commentators say once the Legislature has adjourned?
A. They rail. They express dismay. They say that the Legislature has shirked its duty, or that it has stuck its head in the sand.
Q. Are there any of these cliches that I, personally, have avoided using in writing about the Florida Legislature?
A. Not to my knowledge.
Q. Doctor, thank you. In closing, is there any particular phrase other than "The bill now goes to the governor" with which you would care to end our interview?
A. Why yes, thank you. House Speaker Johnnie Byrd, R-Plant City, could not be reached for comment.