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It has been a week now since my friend attempted suicide. Everyone at school knows, and now they are asking me what I knew. I have been giving them evasive answers, but on the inside a part of me is dying too. I am still struggling with what I did know.
I have talked with my parents and a counselor about this, but I don't feel better. My friend is just hanging on, and I still haven't been to the hospital. This attempt was more serious than any in the past.
I am having trouble sleeping, just remembering the good times we had and wondering if they will ever happen again. I wonder too if my friend blames me for not telling someone what I knew. Did my friend really mean to die this time? Is my friend angry that the attempt failed? Will my friend try again and again? Are some people just meant to die young because they can't handle life?
Maybe the truth about suicide is that no one can truly predict when a person will actually do what they talk about. I know people commit suicide even when they are seeing professional counselors. The counselors get paid to keep people alive, but they don't always succeed. I wonder how they live with themselves when this happens to one of their clients.
So why am I being so hard on myself? Because I care about my friend; I miss being with my friend.
I am talking to a counselor about the way I am feeling. I need to learn to deal with my own guilt and not keep it inside anymore. Somehow I need to accept that I can't stop people from doing anything they want to do to themselves. I am in control of only what I do with my life, even though I tell myself I "should" be able to rescue other people from doing stupid stuff like drinking and driving, taking drugs and trying to kill themselves.
I am a good friend to lots of people, and I need to make sure from this point on that they know I will never again keep life-threatening information confidential, even if it costs me their friendship. I'd rather err on the side of telling too much - and risk losing their friendship - than not telling at all. I will lose them anyway if they die.
If my friend makes it, what will I say when we meet again? Will we be able to be friends again? How about the trust between us? I know teenagers make life-changing decisions that affect their future, but if you are reading this, please don't choose suicide.
Suicide affects everyone around you, especially the people left behind. When we tell what we know, remember it is because we love you and we want you to get the help you need to face life's challenges. Life is worth living.
If you read this and are thinking about killing yourself, please call for help right now. Call toll-free 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433).
If you have read this and you are the person with information about someone who might attempt suicide, please call a counselor, pastor or a parent to give you assistance in helping your friend or loved one.
- IT! Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com