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There are times, when he reaches the corner, he can frighten a safety so badly his mouth goes dry. He is quick. He is elusive. He is danger on two feet.
Ah, so maybe that's why the Bucs seemed intent on signing Jeff Garcia.
Maybe they were going to start him at running back.
Yep, that explains it. Over his career, the elusive Garcia has rushed for 1,571 yards. Why, that's only 320 yards behind Thomas Jones, not counting the distance between Tampa and Chicago.
Wait. Don't forget, there was a game last season when Garcia actually caught a pass. He was deceptive. His route was precise. He was sure-handed.
Maybe, then, the Bucs were interested in Garcia as a wide receiver. True, the reception was for only 6 yards, but the guy Garcia would have replaced was Keyshawn Johnson, so that worked out about right.
Hold that thought. If you look closer, Garcia also had two tackles last season. He was tough. He was bruising. He was physical. Who knows? Maybe the Bucs wanted him to play defensive tackle.
Tell me those things, and the Bucs' obsession with Garcia would have made sense to me. Tell me Garcia was not only changing places, he was changing positions. Tell me he also was going to punt, or he was going to play a little guard, or he was going to be a linebacker. Tell me he could have mixed in a few kick returns, played a little tight end and told a good joke on the team flights.
Quarterback? Why sign one of those?
Better question: Why did the team consider signing one of those now?
Oh, I know what you're thinking. The world loves new quarterbacks. Football, by its nature, is some twisted sort of beauty contest. The longer you gaze at a quarterback, the uglier he becomes. The world likes a new running back. It admires a new receiver. It craves a new tackle. But it loves a quarterback.
And so there will be some who will talk again of the things Brad Johnson is not. Johnson never has been the loveliest of quarterbacks, or the most appreciated, and there will be those who would have welcomed a new face.
Which led us to Garcia, a quarterback who made the unforgivable mistake of drawing too big a paycheck for the 49ers. Because of it, he finds himself in the recycling bin. It happens.
This is no knock on Garcia. He's a nice enough quarterback, Garcia, and he has the gift of mobility that Bucs coach Jon Gruden so greatly admires. At the right price, he would have been a great backup quarterback to Brad Johnson.
Ah, but that's the tricky part, isn't it? If you listened to the drumbeat across the NFL, it suggested Garcia wasn't coming here to replace Shaun King, he had been told he was coming to replace Johnson. There are those who suggest that it is Johnson who will have to beat out Garcia, not the other way around. The going price wasn't backup money.
In which case, the proper response is: Huh?
Look, you can debate the relative strengths of Johnson and Garcia, and the flaws, until morning. Except for Garcia's mobility and Johnson's Super Bowl ring, there isn't a lot of difference between the two. Evidently, Brad's father doesn't shoot his mouth off as often, and he doesn't talk about how his son doesn't care about the money just before his son runs to Cleveland for the cash, but who's quibbling?But with all the other question marks the Bucs have in free agency, is it smart shopping for another quarterback? For weeks, the Bucs have moaned about how few nickels there are in the cash register. Now, they're apparently going to spend a good many on Garcia.
Think of it like this: Every dollar spent on Garcia is a dollar that isn't available to spend on a running back, a wide receiver, on anything else.
The Bucs roster is like a '62 Rambler that spits and spews and drops parts; it needs a new transmission and a brake job and four new tires and a muffler. Instead, it invests in a new steering wheel.
Poor Brad. Can you imagine how lousy his breakfast tastes this morning? This keeps happening to him.
Last year, the Bucs botched his contract and brought in Jim Miller. The year before, it was Rob Johnson. Two years before that, the Redskins brought in Jeff George. Before that, the Vikings brought in Randall Cunningham. Now this. Johnson is the only quarterback in the league who needs smelling salts during the offseason.
Does Johnson have flaws? Of course he does. On the other hand, Johnson has proved he is also a tough, blood-on-his-jersey kind of quarterback who has won the respect of his teammates. Who knows how much this will bother him.
So where does it leave us? It leaves us confused over the reconstructive surgery of a football team. More people have to be signed. More people will have to be released.
Everywhere you go, people ask: How will the Bucs be next year? The only proper response is this: Who will the Bucs be next year?
Evidently, Jeff Garcia is out of the picture.
And you have to wonder: Why was he standing in front of Brad, anyway?