The Buccaneers' new training facility promises to be the most advanced ever built. Most of it is standing as we speak - it's the old Tampa Bay Center mall across the street from the stadium.
The old food court is where quarterbacks will practice throwing the ball to their receivers. The receivers will zig-zag through the tables and dive over the counters to catch a first down. Possible drawback: Nike does not make a nonslip shoe for running through the kitchens.
The running backs will run through the old Sears store, avoiding the display racks. Mannequins will be set up with other teams' logos on their chests. They will have their arms spread to make it more difficult for the running backs to get by the display racks.
Female mannequins so far have caused two out of three fumbles in the women's section. A player who wished not to be identified said, "It's hard to resist a woman with her arms open when you're running by. My gut feeling is to drop the ball and hug her. I wish they would put clothes on the mannequins."
The defense will practice in the middle of the mall in the elevator shaft. The elevator will be lowered as they try to push it back up the shaft. One player will try to get into the escape hatch, for the equivalent of a sack. It is rumored that Warren Sapp won't be back in a Bucs uniform because he could not fit through the escape hatch.
Pass defenders will work near the main lobby of the mall knocking footballs out of the trees. "We feel if we can consistently knock footballs out of trees, we can dominate the league."
The mall will be transformed into a real pirate training facility, including training classrooms for all team owners who want to learn how to get the public to go belly-up with threats to move their team unless the public pays for a stadium and training facility. How to buy a mall, extra parking and a hundred yards of dirt to practice on for nothing.
The Bucs are shopping for players like they are at the mall returning used, overpriced goods to Saks Fifth Avenue and buying replacements at a dollar store.
I drove to International Mall the other day and saw a new Bucs prospect at Victoria's Secret. He had on a big smile as he looked through the display window, like a child who just found out his candy store was now open 24 hours a day. Those old mannequins at the Tampa Bay Mall are almost full-figured compared to these new ones.
I didn't have the heart to tell the guy he was at the wrong mall.
