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IT!
I worry about being so afraid
By CECILIA A. TUCKER
Published March 22, 2004
Most of my time is spent with some degree of fear looming over me. I don't know when my fears started, nor do I know when they got out of hand.
I don't remember being so fearful in grade school. But as I entered middle school, my anxiety levels seemed to be at an all-time high. At first, I thought it was all about becoming a teenager and having to be more responsible for myself. It seems I have done okay with all of that stuff, and yet I am still incredibly afraid.
No one in my family seems to have anxiety issues. People seem sympathetic about my fears, but let's face it - nobody likes hanging around with an anxious, worried person. My anxieties even get on my own nerves.
Thinking that I might always be this way makes me the most anxious. I fear my life never can be normal because I can't live in the moment without dredging up the past or imagining a scary future. I find myself sitting with my friends, wondering if they visit the mental places I do. If they do, they don't seem to live there. How do they manage that?
My friends don't even bother bantering with me about my fears anymore. They have gotten to the point they don't even listen to me when I express my concern over certain things. Most of the time, they appear as if they don't even hear me. My life seems to be out of control.
I have talked with counselors about this; they seem to think it will go away with time. It was suggested I take some medicine when I feel hyperanxious. This is fine, but I don't want to be on medication the rest of my life. Isn't there something else I can do to relieve my anxiety?
My counselor has worked with me on how to "desensitize" my fears, and that has helped some. I believe in prayer, so I do pray about my fears, but this still hasn't lowered my anxiety levels. Are some people just born to worry? I worry about getting to school on time, being embarrassed about the way I look, going on a date, not going on a date, being unsure of what I want to do when I go to college, being overwhelmed with how to handle the temptations I face daily and about what others think about me. This list could go on and on.
I have highlighted just a few of my worries; if I keep writing about them I will worry myself out of being able to put my thoughts down and sort them out.
Anxieties about being successful and popular seem to be normal worries, but the ways I worry seem to have taken over my life. As I have pondered my own problem, I think I need to figure out a way to enjoy life. This sounds so simple - and it seems to me it should be simple for teens - but for me it is a very foreign concept.
How can I enjoy the present and still be conscientious about the future? I am asking myself as I write this sentence to focus on what I am really afraid of and what controls in life I actually have. These seem to be two very helpful questions.
What I am really afraid of is myself. I know about my insecurities, and I am afraid that when people get to know me they will not like me. I am afraid I am more incompetent than most of my friends. I am afraid I do not measure up to other people my age. Do we all feel this way? If we do, I need to find out how other people mask their fears instead of being overcome by them.
Do I know anyone who will be honest enough to tell me how they get through their anxious times? If I could just find one other person my age who also confesses to being afraid, I think I would feel more hopeful and more in control. Am I just fooling myself or might this help?
- IT! Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com
