Left to right, Natasha Henstridge, Matthew Perry and Bruce Willis aren’t furthering their careers with The Whole Ten Yards.
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A lesson from a good friend: The less said about bad movies, the better. For that friend, a review ofThe Whole Ten Yards:
One is inclined to say it gives new meaning to the word "excruciating." But on reflection, it's actually the same old meaning.
That's it. Move along.
Now, for those who'd like a little more explanation of this inexplicable mess:
The Whole Ten Yards - the title itself makes no sense - is a pitch-perfect example of a failed sequel. A followup to the lame but occasionally amusing 2000 release The Whole Nine Yards, this so-called comedy is slower, longer and watered down (PG-13, compared with the R-rated original).
Worst of all, it's not funny.
If you liked the mediocre original, you'll be incredibly disappointed by how unrelentingly crass, irritating and just plain stupid the sequel is. If you didn't like the first one, just five minutes of this could put you off your feed all summer.
Ten Yards doesn't spend much time explaining the events of the previous film, but even if you sawNine Yards, you will find the sequel baffling.
The new film reunites retired Chicago hit man Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski (Bruce Willis) with dentist Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky (Matthew Perry), when Oz's wife (and Jimmy's ex), Cynthia (Natasha Henstridge), is kidnapped by crime boss Lazlo Gogolak (Kevin Pollak). So Jimmy and his wife/killer-in-training, Jill (Amanda Peet), sort of team with Oz to save Cynthia. (Michael Clarke Duncan, who helped the first film enormously before his character was killed off, was not resurrected for this one, and we think that fortunate for him.)
Anyway, there's a twist to the setup, and it's appropriately moronic.
The plan apparently was for Pollak, a gifted character actor and standup comic, to resurrect the goofy character (Lazlo's son Janni) he had fun with in Nine Yards. Janni was cute in small doses. Lazlo is gratingly, relentlessly unfunny, so of course he's onscreen constantly.
Perry's gift for physical comedy and his excellent comic timing were winning in the original, but the filmmakers left him out to sea here. Oz was slightly klutzy and skittish in Nine Yards, and his pratfalls made for some laughs. In Ten Yards, his antics are so irritating, we wish Jimmy would make good on his constant threats to kill him.
As for Willis, he's never, ever been more off-putting. Not even in Hudson Hawk.
Jimmy's violent behavior, worse than not being funny, starts looking like spouse abuse. His character - and this movie - is offensively, mind-numbingly ill-conceived.
The Whole Ten Yards
Grade: F
Director: Howard Deutch
Cast: Bruce Willis, Matthew Perry, Kevin Pollak, Natasha Henstridge, Amanda Peet
Screenplay: George Gallo
Rating: PG-13; profanity, violence, sexual situations
