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In laws' form, anon, some things stupid this way come

By HOWARD TROXLER
Published April 29, 2004

[Enter] CHORUS.

Two chambers, both devoid of dignity,

In fair Tallahassee, where

we lay our scene,

Senate and House stoop to new cupidity,

Block civil suits, and mark

civil petitions as unclean.

From forth the pens of

business lobbies flow

New laws to boost their clients' wealth;

Gun ranges, big landlords, God only knows,

Doth with their money buy solon stealth.

The fearful passage of such wicked bills,

And many more yet to be discover'd,

While election-year discord the gov'nor wills

Must soon subside, so no votes are bothered,

This was the two months' traffic of our stage;

The which, if you to the news did stick

Was surely enou' to make one sick.

[Exeunt.]

[Enter] Three LOBBYISTS.

Round about the Capitol go;

In the campaign money throw;

Bills, that under committees

Days and nights slept fifty-nine

Appear now as though born anew

Attached to laws that slip right through!

Double, double, toil and trouble;

Associated Industries and Chamber bubble.

[Exeunt.]

[Enter] KINGSTAFF.

Go to, and bring me sack! Doth I regret my prev'ious votes? If you wish, I doth! I doth! But it is water under the dam. Over the bridge. Confound it, man! Why the grim countenance? Jolly times await! Football season nears! Why, would that I could fly home on the nonce on a state airplane, my happiness would be complete. Go to, I say!

[Exit.]

[Enter] JEBLET.

To run, or not to run, that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in my mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of my ignorant critics,

Or to go back to making money in Miami,

And by getting rich, outrank them

socially. To retire, to whine -

No more, and by retiring to say I end

The heartache and the constant

thousand nitpicks

A chief executive is heir to;

'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wished. To retire, to quit -

To quit, perchance to be

forgotten - ay, there's the rub,

For in my family I am the only man

To hold office, yet not win the highest one -

It must give me pause.

[Exit.]

[Enter] JOHNNIE III and the HOUSE.

Now is the session of our bad intent

Made glorious by the sound of cash

And all the headlines that criticized our House

Will be in the deep bosom of November

forgotten.

Now private-school brows with

vouchers bedecked,

And bruised teachers' unions

hung up for monuments,

Democrats' stern alarms

changed to our merry meetings,

Cigarettes untaxed, nursing

homes cut - delightful measures!

The grim-visaged public-records law is gutted

And now, instead of harassing

my precious institute,

To fright the souls of my minions,

It limps helplessly with new exceptions,

To the lascivious pleasing of my lute.

[One by one, members of the HOUSE sneak away as he speaks.]

Let's whip these rivals in my Senate race!

Fight, gentlemen of the House!

Fight, bold sheep!

Draw swords, party whips, as though

your bills would die!

Spur your proud members hard, and

ride in blood;

Amaze the liberal media who denied I could!

[He looks around to see he is now alone.]

My House! My House! My kingdom

for a House!

[Exit.]

[Enter] CHARLIE CRIST.

All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances,

And one man in his time plays many parts,

Which you can read all about

in my latest press release.

[Last modified April 29, 2004, 01:35:43]


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