IT!

Parented, but not by my parents

When I was about 3 years old, I remember going to the doctor with my parents and for the first time understanding something was really different about my living arrangements. These were the people I had been living with off and on for most of my life, but they were not my parents. They were my grandparents.

And although they were a bit "old," they were trying to adopt me.

I knew they loved me, and they seemed to want me. But I could tell even then that this was not the typical family arrangement. My birth parents were in and out of my life, but my grandparents seemed consistently more in than out. Remember, on the day I'm telling you about, I was with my grandparents at the doctor's office, not with my parents.

My life from that point forward has had this mixture of confusion and order to it. I don't resent my grandparents being my parents because I know how much they love me and I love them. But I know how hard it has been for them and for me.

I resent my parents. I am still bitter. I ask myself if it was me or something I did. For a long time I blamed myself; I thought I wasn't good enough for them to stick around, or to love me. I know it is not my grandparents' responsibility to raise me, and I know I am not always easy to handle especially now that I am a teenager.

I want to be a good kid, but they are old, and my "other" parents are - well, you fill in the blanks with whatever words you deem appropriate as you read the rest of what I tell you today.

When my grandparents finally adopted me, it was a happy day for them, and we celebrated. I remember it well. I was in grade school. I was glad, too, that the fight for me was finally over. They had fought the legal battles; even though I had lived with them most of my life, in our state the law fights to keep families together.

Let me tell you, my birth parents were scattered to who knows where, and I hardly ever saw either one of them unless they happened to be visiting "their parents," which was seldom.

So, even if they were in town it wasn't about seeing their wonderful kid, ME - it was still all about them, which by the way still hasn't changed even though I am now a teenager. I wasn't sure I was so happy, but I did at least feel things were settled; I was grateful for that, and I did feel safe and secure. I have never lacked anything.

I have had to watch my parents get older faster than other parents because they are my grandparents; that is hard for me. The oldest thing about them is not their age but their ideas. Their kids were teenagers 15 to 20 years ago: Things are not the way they used to be, Grandpa and Grandma. I try to tell them that nicely and respectfully, but sometimes I think they think I am just being ungrateful and too cocky with them, and they get angry with me.

I am not mad at them, but it often turns into a major battle of wills between us. I know at times they wish I lived somewhere else; at least that's what I think. I think they sometimes wish they had never adopted me, though they have never said that to me.

They just look at me and walk away like they understand. Maybe they do understand now that I am thinking about all of this stuff. Maybe things will become clearer to me as I think this through.

- IT! Private Thoughts of the Indomitable Teen is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com

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