RENO, Nev. (AP) - The U.S. military is demanding the return of five howitzers that two Sierra Nevada ski resorts use to prevent avalanches, saying it needs the guns for combat in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Alpine Meadows and Mammoth Mountain received the artillery pieces on loan from the Army and began using them last year to fire rounds into mountainsides to knock snow loose. But the ski resorts received word last month that the Army's Tank Automotive and Armaments Command needs the howitzers back immediately.
"I need to have them back in the troops' hands within 60 to 90 days," said Don Bowen, the Army command's team leader in charge of the howitzers. "Afghanistan-Iraq is the immediate concern."
* * *
To: Harold Fleeberman, 201 Platt St.
From: Gen. John Abizaid, CENTCOM, Tampa
RE: Wrench
Dear Harry:
You may recall the hex wrench - 3/8-inch, dark brown in color - that I loaned you when you were trying to fix your lawn mower a couple months ago. That was a Department of Defense wrench, purchased from a certified government contractor for $895, and there's a tank mechanic outside Fallujah who needs it.
Please return ASAP. I think you can buy one just like it for under $5 at the True Value.
Regards,
John
Howdy Gen'l!
How about them Bolts! Got your note about the wrench, no problem. But Justin's birthday is coming up, and Barb and I got him a bike. Of course there's "some assembly required." Is next week okay?
See you at the cookout.
Harry
* * *
To: Stan Lowendowski, 1500 King St., Alexandria, Va.
From: Donald Rumsfeld, SECDEF, The Pentagon RE: MKU
Stan:
Is Washington beautiful this time of year? You bet! I hope you and the family are enjoying it. Look, I hate to bring this up, but remember that mobile kitchen unit I lent you and the troop for the Boy Scout Jamboree last summer? As you may have heard, some genius at the Pentagon decided to keep 20,000 more troops in Iraq than anticipated, and they're going to be hungry. So we need that MKU back.
Am I apologetic? A little. Do I send my best to Cheryl? You bet! Don
Don:
Rummy, you old son of a gun. We already painted our troop number and other insignia on the outside. The kids named it the "Lunch Lady," and we'd really hate to part with it - especially with the big spring gathering coming up. We were also hoping to use it for Cheryl's family reunion in June - nothing feeds 50 overweight in-laws like an Army MKU! Don't your guys get MREs for this very purpose?
Let's catch an O's game soon. Good luck with that Sadr guy.
Stan
* * *
To: Guy McDonald, 121 Midlothian Pike, Richmond, Va.
From: Maj. Fred d'Armenbutte, Army Quartermaster Corps, Fort Lee, Va.
Guy:
Thanks for setting up the big paint-ball tournament. What a great alternative to golf for the groomsmen! Sorry to be a pest, but can you return the camouflage BDUs I loaned them for the game? As you may have heard, Iraq continues to be an "opportunity for democracy" in the Middle East, not a democracy. Looks like we're going to need all the uniforms we can get.
