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ERIC DEGGANSThere are lessons to be learned from the new schedules presented by the major TV networks.
NEW YORK - Consider it a classroom with an open bar.
That's how network TV's weeklong presentation of new schedules felt to a journalist with a passion for well-done television and a weakness for Heather Locklear.
From Monday to Thursday, the nation's six biggest networks greeted advertisers and reporters with their schedules for the 2004-05 season, presented with flourishes ranging from a parachuting billionaire to the Who.
It's all part of the networks' annual sales ritual, called the upfronts, a time when about 75 percent of the networks' commercial time for the coming year will be claimed. And the fear was particularly thick this week, because broadcasters seem especially clueless about what audiences want to see.
If they want crackling comedy, why hasn't Fox's searing sitcom Arrested Development caught fire? If they're seeking quality drama, why did ABC's ambitious cop drama Line of Fire go down in flames?
A few things I learned from this peculiar combination of fear, glamor and high-stakes business deals:
Lesson No. 1: Comedy is dead. Really.
In a slate of about 45 new shows announced for six networks, exactly one comedy looked good enough to survive longer than two weeks: Friends spinoff Joey.
That's not for lack of trying. The WB offered Fran Drescher as a hoochie-mama mother sleeping with a boy younger than her 25-year-old son in Shacking Up, and Commando Nanny, based on Survivor creator Mark Burnett's first job after serving as a British soldier in the Falklands War: a nanny in Beverly Hills.
CBS offered Seinfeld alum Jason Alexander failing to shake George Costanza's ghost yet again, this time playing sports columnist and radio-TV personality Tony Kornheiser in Listen Up. And Fox offered a sketch show hosted by the stiffest guy on television, Frasier star Kelsey Grammer.
The industry knew this was a make or break year for comedy. And with years of advance warning on the departures of hits Frasier and Friends, this year's sorry list of comedies is even more perplexing.
No wonder reality TV is eating their lunch.
"It's much easier to denigrate the form than to admit that the shows you put on didn't work," said Les Moonves, CBS president, explaining why so many executives are pronouncing comedy dead. "But the dearth in TV comedy is just a cycle, like everything else."
Maybe. But Moonves still hasn't found a replacement for Everybody Loves Raymond, which ends next season.
Lesson No. 2: Mark Burnett is king.
The rise of reality TV has been very good for the creator of Survivor and The Apprentice, who now has shows on every major network but ABC. The list includes The Contender, a boxing reality show with Sylvester Stallone on NBC; Fox's behind-the-scenes reality series The Casino; and a top-secret reality project for the WB along with the aforementioned Commando Nanny.
It seems that since The Apprentice helped NBC cover for the loss of Friends - in the process, delivering a show with TV's richest audience - Burnett can do no wrong.
Lesson No. 3: Diversity doesn't matter anymore.
Other than on UPN, which has long focused on black-centered programming, exactly one new series features a black person as the sole star: Fox's summer series Method and Red.
There are plenty of black sidekicks and co-stars: Sharif Atkins in NBC's cop drama Hawaii, Cosby alum Malcolm-Jamal Warner in Listen Up, Blair Underwood alongside Heather Locklear in NBC's LAX.
Don't even bother asking about Hispanics and Asians. When American Idol laughingstock William Hung is the most visible Asian star on network television, you know it's time to fire up the protests and boycott threats again.