Review

Eighty minutes, and more, of torture

Like some unholy alliance of Inspector Gadget and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, the new version of Around the World in 80 Days is a hectic disaster. This movie, opening in theaters today, swirls around, losing all significance in about 80 minutes.

With it goes the last chance for Jackie Chan to prove his worth in any Hollywood production that doesn't include "rush hour" in the title. Chan still kicks and chops like a martial arts pro but without any solid hits unless Chris Tucker is driving a buddy vehicle. But not even Tucker's comedic energy could improve this wan remake of the 1957 Academy Award winner for best picture.

Chan plays Lau Xing, sent to London to recover a sacred jade Buddha stolen from his Chinese village by stuffy Lord Kelvin (Jim Broadbent), leader of the Royal Academy of Science. While escaping from police, Lau encounters inventor Phileas Fogg (Steve Coogan, a decent David Niven replacement) and poses as his new valet, named Passepartout, memorably played by Mexican actor Cantinflas in the original. Fogg's notions of flying machines and roller skates are too wacky for Lord Kelvin to believe, continuing the one-joke anachronism of Chan's Shanghai Noon and Shanghai Knights.

A wager is made: If Fogg can circumnavigate the globe in 80 days, he'll win a fortune and academy respect. If not, he'll never invent again. The cinema would benefit if the same offer were made to director Frank Coraci, a.k.a. Adam Sandler's yes-man on The Waterboy and The Wedding Singer. Then we would tie him to a chair to ensure he couldn't win the bet.

Despite the Oscar, the original wasn't very good, either, so this isn't griping from a purist perspective. But lowbrow humor and brawls that visionary Verne never considered seem abominable under the classic circumstances. Two dozen or so cameos by genuine celebrity legends that made the previous film so much fun have been diluted to a handful of who's thats. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the biggest "surprise" star; his hammy performance as an oversexed prince makes him an immediate front-runner for a Razzie award. From there it's a steep drop to Rob Schneider. Enough said.

Scenes drag on so long for so little reason that our only relief is an occasional reminder that the magic number 80 is approaching with the end credits. Somewhere around Istanbul, Verne's template gets tossed aside to justify Chan's casting and pad his role. Compared with Cecile De France, who plays Fogg's romantic interest, however, Chan is another Olivier.

The last 30 minutes perk up a bit with Owen and Luke Wilson playing the Wright brothers and Kathy Bates as Queen Victoria, but injecting life at that point is akin to pounding on a corpse's chest.

GRADE: F

DIRECTOR: Frank Coraci

CAST: Jackie Chan, Steve Coogan, Jim Broadbent, Cecile De France, Ewen Bremner, Ian McNeice, Karen Joy Morris

SCREENPLAY: David Titcher, David Benullo, David Goldstein, based on the novel by Jules Verne

RATING: PG; mild violence, crude humor

RUNNING TIME: 125 min.

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