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Okay, I think I've figured out this business about who to put on our money.
Setting aside the Ronald Reagan question for a second, at least four other presidents ought to be on our money, too.
Who are my four nominees? The top rank goes to Teddy Roosevelt, the greatest president not to be so honored.
Next comes John Adams - and no, not just because he's trendy these days.
Third, there's James Madison, one of the great architects of our Constitution.
And fourth? Harry Truman, the gutsy and plain-speaking Missourian.
You might ask: What about Ike? That great Kansan already had his shot, being honored on the dollar coin from 1971-1978. If you want to get him back in play, you're gonna have to fire one of my other guys.
So, along with Reagan, that's five new faces I intend to work into our money supply. Does Reagan deserve it? Let's put it this way: I rank him ahead of Grover Cleveland, William McKinley and Woodrow Wilson (noble, but ineffective), and those guys all had their mugs on our money until we stopped printing anything bigger than $100.
Okay, here's my plan.
First, we make room. There are three guys now double-dipping. George Washington is on both the $1 bill and the quarter. Abraham Lincoln is on the $5 bill and the penny. Thomas Jefferson is on the $2 bill and the nickel. Only George gets to keep both. He is the Father of Our Country, after all.
Next, I'm firing two of the men who currently grace our bills.
No, not Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill. He stays. We wouldn't be the United States without him. Between him and Jefferson, they about got the new government right.
Nope, I'm kicking Andrew Jackson off the $20 bill. Sure, he was flinty and populist and all that, but Old Hickory also presided over the shameful genocide of Native Americans and gave us the corrupt spoils system.
Likewise, Ulysses S. Grant is off the $50. Great general, lousy president. Says the World Book Encyclopedia: "Grant's presidency was clouded by disgrace and dishonesty."
There, I have made four new places. Are you ready for the new lineup?
On the $1 bill, Washington.
On the $2 bill, Truman.
Lincoln stays on the $5, and Hamilton on the $10. Jefferson gets promoted to the $20. He deserves it.
As for the $50 - well, is there any rule we can't put two guys on there? This becomes the new home for Adams and Madison.
That leaves the $100, and if you think I am going to suggest kicking off that brilliant, waggish, man-of-the-half-millennium Benjamin Franklin, you're nuts.
Onward to the coins, then.
Teddy Roosevelt gets the penny. It feels right, and I think he'd like being on the most widespread coin of all, the coin of the people. (Please, no debates today on abolishing it.)
As for the nickel - here is my new home for Reagan, and before his backers protest, let them answer this: Are you truly offended at being offered the post now occupied by Mr. Jefferson? It is a good, honest coin.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt gets to keep the dime, Washington gets to keep the quarter, and John F. Kennedy stays on the half-dollar, even if we have knocked down his reputation since we rushed his coin into circulation.
Now, you could object that my list consists entirely of white males. I would reply weakly that it's not my fault all our presidents and founders were such. But in my bleeding heart, I feel guilty, and so I agreeably urge you to debate who should be replaced by whom.
However, on the gender question, I do have one suggestion. You will notice I have not mentioned the $1 coin, but I would fire Sacagawea and replace her with ...
A former first lady.
Which one? Well, let me give you hints. She was, and is to this day, widely hated and mocked by the other party.
Her husband was despised by them for being immoral and an unprincipled liar.
When her husband was no longer in the White House, she held other offices and posts, and her influence only seemed to grow. Some even said she should be president.
How could it be any plainer? For the $1 coin, I nominate Eleanor Roosevelt.