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Letter to the editor

Waging war on garbage collection limitations

By BRUCE MICHAUD
Published July 4, 2004

"What's the name of your trash company?"

That's what the lady asked when I called to find out why they hadn't picked up a two-drawer end table that was sitting, disassembled, at the end of my driveway.

Metropolis Garbage Service, I think. No, that was Superman's trash company.

"We have three companies who pick up trash for us, and we only pick up household goods. Anything else is an extra charge starting at $35."

Hmmm ... even the trash company makes money with add-on sales!

After that phone conversation, I was determined to have the household goods trash company pick up something they never thought they would pick up for free.

I started ordering parts online on eBay from the space shuttle. Little by little, they would someday throw away the whole shuttle from my can.

Hmmm ... is charcoal dust from the bottom of the grill a household item? I always dump my charcoal dust in the bottom of my trash can. I think I hear the household goods truck coming down the street now. I see a trash man toss a lid farther than I can throw a Frisbee, grab onto the back of the truck and head my way.

I hide in the bushes, waiting for him to pick up the J-ZQ25.7 screw from the space shuttle that I put in the trash can. He grabs my trash can, lifts it up for a slam dunk, positions himself for a trash can shot put, and he goes up in a puff of smoke. Charcoal dust clouds around his body like Pig Pen from Peanuts.

Disoriented, he puts my can down gently and walks out of the cloud. For some reason, they never throw the can out of a cloud of dust; they just lay it down in the spot they found it.

At the end of your driveway, you will see two skid marks and an oil stain. That's from the garbage truck. I have two skid marks, an oil stain and a dust ball.

Have you ever tried to throw away an old garbage can? Can't be done. They will not understand what to do even if you leave them a note on the can, "Please throw away this can!"

You have to cut the can into pieces the size of dominos to get them to throw it away. They go through intensive training to not throw away the cans, and this process cannot be overridden, even with a simple note. Or maybe you can reverse the process by writing on the can, "Do not take this can!" Wake up in the morning, and the magic trash fairy will see that your can has disappeared.

You have to remember, up to three trucks can pass your house in one day: the household goods truck, the timber and grass clipping truck and the recycling truck. When you get home, you have 12 skid marks, three oil stains, one ball of dust, grass clippings and a recycle basket with a plastic Barbie doll still in it. I keep telling them, it's a plastic doll, "recyclable," but they don't see it that way. My garbage man will dig through all the plastic every week to find that doll and leave it there. Oh, and I forgot: A trash can that looks like it was at the firing range at Parris Island with a note on it saying, "Please take me!"

I have to tell you, I work for the trash company every year for one month. Yes, sir, in December I get out there and collect more presents than I know what to do with. Santa has never come close to the amount of gifts I get each year picking up household goods!

So I get a lot of booze and end up in the Betty Ford clinic every spring, but I'm not stupid enough to empty cans without goggles on in case of a dust ball! I don't throw away any cans, either. Just in case they call, I don't want to hear from the boss, "What are you, stupid? Don't throw away the cans!"

I can't wait to call that lady back and inform her that not only have they taken big items from me before, but also they have thrown away the space shuttle from my house and didn't complain.

- Bruce Michaud lives in Odessa and writes occasionally for North of Tampa.

[Last modified July 3, 2004, 09:02:07]