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Letter to the editor

Election 2004

Ask a felon: There's a lot to like about Republicans

By HOWARD TROXLER
Published July 20, 2004

This one's for you, Myrtle.

"Is this Mr. Troxler?"

"Speaking."

"Art Andersen here. I'm the communications director for the National Association of Felons."

"Hi, Art. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to complain about the tired old stereotyping about felons that you and your newspaper are perpetuating."

"I had no idea. What kind of stereotypes about felons have we been perpetuating?"

"You keep saying we're all Democrats."

"Felons aren't all Democrats?"

"Absolutely not."

"Well, that's what everybody says, Art. It's not like we're making it up. Why the heck would Gov. Jeb be going to all this trouble to keep felons from voting in November if you weren't all Democrats?"

"Jeb has bought into the stereotype too. It's incredibly frustrating for us when even governors engage in active prejudice. In fact, many felons proudly exemplify the very best of Republican values."

"That's a joke, right? Everybody knows Democrats love crooks, and vice versa. Democrats believe crime is society's fault. Democrats prefer bleeding-heart judges."

"There you go again. If you want to see the world in such a narrow, single-issue perspective, you'll never learn anything. There are many reasons felons should vote Republican."

"Name one."

"I'll name several. Let's start with taxes. Did you know that the proceeds of crime are taxable?"

"You mean, if you rob a bank or something you're supposed to pay taxes?"

"Abso-danged-lutely. Bank robbery, drug smuggling, stock manipulation - if you make money from crime, it's taxable income reportable to the IRS. How the heck do you think they nabbed Al Capone?"

"So you're saying that felons ..."

"Felons need a tax break just as much as anybody else. We're huge supporters of cutting the tax on capital gains. We all resent the bureaucratic hassle of payroll and Social Security taxes. And the NAF's chapter of the Club for Growth has made a pet project out of repealing the Alternative Minimum Tax."

"What about organized crime? Shouldn't those guys have to pay taxes, at least?"

"That's so liberal. Any idiot knows that the Mafia doesn't pay taxes, it just passes the tax along to its customers. To sum up, all taxes do are stifle innovation in our economy."

"Okay, so felons support lower taxes. What else?"

"Naturally, we are strong supporters of the right to bear arms."

"Naturally. What else?"

"What's the slogan that guy Connie Mack used to use? Lower taxes. Less government. More freedom. Who, more than a felon, understands the benefits of less government? In fact, we've compiled a list of suggestions."

"Let me guess: Less police?"

"That's only part of the spectrum. Don't forget our lobbying on white-collar crime: Fewer tax auditors, fewer bank-fraud investigators, fewer EPA pollution inspectors. And don't get me started bragging on corporate fraud."

"Hmm. When you said felon, I guess I was thinking more about bank robbers and drug dealers."

"Exactly my point. Our membership includes some of the biggest names in society. You've heard of, say, George Steinbrenner, right?"

"Hey, he's no felon. He made a simple mistake years ago and accidentally slipped a little more cash to a politician than he was supposed to. He got pardoned, too."

"So what? He was a felon, fair and square, and had exactly the same legal status as your hypothetical bank robber when it comes to being able to vote. Just 'cause a guy has a lot of dough doesn't mean he can't be a felon. We're hoping to sign up Kenneth Lay soon, too."

"I have to admit, I never thought of things this way."

"Well, it's time you did. We felons have never asked for a government handout, have we? We represent the spirit of self-help and seizing the initiative. All we ask is for government to get out of our way, and allow the free market to operate. In sum, the message of felons is this: Let freedom reign."

[Last modified July 28, 2004, 14:50:52]