Everybody's searching for the blood orchid in Borneo, but all they're finding is snakes: big, bad snakes that enjoy crushing and chewing people. The flower that explorers seek is supposedly the key to eternal youth, but what good is that when you're dead?
Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (PG-13) is a sequel to 1997's Anaconda, which put the squeeze on Jennifer Lopez, Owen Wilson and Ice Cube before they were certified movie stars. Jon Voight delivered one of his hammiest performances (no small feat) as an Amazon River guide, and took a memorable curtain call, vomited by a giant dying snake for a farewell wink at the camera.
We can only hope the sequel is that much campy fun and jump-starts as many movie careers.
But don't count on it. If the names Johnny Messner, KaDee Strickland and Eugene Byrd don't mean anything to you now, they probably won't after this movie. One possible benefit: Without any well-known stars, there's no telling who'll die next.
It appears that eating those blood orchids has made Borneo's anaconda population larger, swifter and deadlier than ever. That will be enough to attract an opening weekend crowd, but Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid should slither onto home video soon.
A review will be published Friday on Page 2B.
A different cinematic wrinkle
Stalking the same old victims must get boring for serial killers in movies. It certainly has for the audience. Suspect Zero (R) is either a cool idea or proof that the barrel bottom has been scraped: It presents a serial killer who kills other serial killers.
Credit the idea to screenwriter Zak Penn, who broke into the film business by selling the idea - not even a script - for The Last Action Hero, still a Hollywood punchline 11 years later. Considering Penn's career highlights, writing Inspector Gadget and Behind Enemy Lines, two things come to mind: Suspect Zero isn't likely to be cool, and Hollywood is a very, very forgiving town.
Director E. Elias Merhige would agree. He landed the Suspect Zero gig four years after ticket sales for his only previous release, Shadow of the Vampire, barely surpassed its $8-million budget.
On the optimistic side: A few fine actors saw something promising in Penn's screenplay (that required a touchup job by Shattered Glass filmmaker Billy Ray). Oscar winner Ben Kingsley plays Benjamin O'Ryan, the vigilante murderer. Aaron Eckhart (In the Company of Strangers, Erin Brockovich) co-stars as FBI agent Thomas Mackelway, who figures into O'Ryan's scheme. Carrie-Anne Moss makes her first postnatal, post-Matrix appearance as Mackelway's partner, Fran Kulok.
A review of Suspect Zero will be published Friday on Page 2B.
An argument for birth control
Advance online movie ticket sales assure your seats without standing in long lines at the box office, while letting you avoid the hassle of learning the movie you're dying to see is sold out.
It seemed appropriate to mention since Baby Geniuses 2: Super Babies opens Friday nationwide.
Seriously, has there ever been a movie so unsuited for a sequel? The original (okay, it was first) Baby Geniuses featured Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd slumming among toddlers animated to look as if they were fairly acrobatic and able to speak. The movie is ranked No. 30 on the Internet Movie Database Bottom 100 list. Baby Geniuses barely grossed $27-million, and nobody I want to know owns it on home video.
Five years later, director Bob Clark (Porky's) decided what the world needs is Baby Geniuses 2. The world will probably disagree.
The sequel stars Jon Voight (the Anaconda ham) as an evil media mogul scheming to control minds through children's programming. Excuse Clark and two screenwriters if that sounds close to the first Spy Kids plot. Four sets of twins play talking babies joined by triplets who play Kahuna, a tyke with the best superpowers computer animators can draw. Well, maybe not the best.
