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Teen dreams hide behind screens

Teenagers share thoughts and feelings with a hundred of their closest friends, in the ritualized world of blogs.

LARGO - Cassie Leap's room is a symphony of clicks and clangs.

The 16-year-old is on the computer. A high-pitched ring tells her a friend has signed onto his Instant Message account. The sound of a closing door tells her another friend has signed off. Now it sounds like she's winding up a toy as she scrolls through her electronic journal for messages from one of her 200 subscribers.

Cassie is part of the Internet generation, the millions of teenagers who can't fathom a time when there weren't computers, high-speed connections or their latest by-product - teen blogs.

Adults know them as Web logs, electronic journals that provide a forum for analysis, opinion and argument. Teen blogs are much flashier. They include photos, music and multimedia images, while serving as a conduit for everything from teenage rants to the mundane goings-on of teenage lives.

The blogs are similar to diaries except they aren't entirely private. Some liken them to graffiti, but they aren't always anonymous. The best have the intimacy of a school locker or a girl's bedroom.

They are, above all, a personal space.

On Sunday, Oct. 3, Cassie wrote:

Ugh today has been pretty boring. Homework pretty much all day.. Took a real PSAT too. loonngg and boring. But they give immediate results (immediate meaning 20-30 minutes) and I did better than I expected. But still not good enough. How, oh how to raise my SAT grade in 6 days? Hm.

Teen blogs are so new there are few hard numbers about the extent of the phenomenon.

There are tens of thousands of Web logs, and about 7 percent of adults who use the Internet also have an electronic journal. About 11 percent of adult Internet users say they read some sort of blog, according to the Pew Internet & American Life Project, a nonprofit think tank that studies the social effects of the Internet.

Experts are certain all of those percentages are significantly higher for people under the age of 18.

"It's that sense of being able to say what you want, in a public way, with no one saying, "No, you can't say that,' " says Amanda Lenhart, a research specialist for the Pew project.

Cassie started her blog two years ago. At first, she wasn't sure what to write.

i hate these stupid online journal things. i mean, i know i can write what i feel on here, but, i cant really write what i actually feel, or at least everything that i feel. Isnt a journal supposed to be something personal? something you keep to yourself, a release from ... everything!?

She doesn't feel that way any more. Her site opens with a photo of her smooching with her boyfriend. She tells readers her likes and dislikes in considerable detail. The format is informal. Grammar and punctuation, she says, get in the way of her creativity.

At least one English professor isn't worried about what this could mean for the language.

Samantha Blackmon, an assistant professor of English at Purdue University, says she can teach someone where to put a comma or how to organize a paragraph.

"What kids learn when they blog is something that is absolutely invaluable," Blackmon says. "They learn to think critically. When they get to college, that's the first thing we ask them to do."

Cassie has learned the hard way that critical thinking can get her into trouble, or at least raise the ire of some of her peers. When she wrote an essay this year about fashion for the Packer Press at Largo High School, some students took her to task for her opinions.

Cassie used her blog to fire back. This was posted on March 16, 2004:

About the article thing- *Isnt a goal in journalism to stir things up? Add some controversy to the boring, never-changing society? tell it like it is and then watch the debates (where no one is truely correct) form. I laugh at you if you are going to hate me because of an article. I just told it like it is, in my opinion of course. And if you hate me for it, I laugh in your face. haha. Loser. JUST KIDDING! But really.. Hah. Since i left school at lunch, ive gotten 9 different peoples opinions on my article, MAN i cant wait till tomorrow.

While most blogs are public, there are enough built-in protections for teens to feel safe. They don't have to use their real name, or any name at all. They can create a password that limits who can see what. They can block replies.

"Conceptions of public and private are different online, and they are different for this generation, which has grown up online," says Susannah Stern, an assistant professor at the University of San Diego, who researches teenagers and electronic media.

Cassie says her journal is not "big, dark secret" personal, and she doesn't mind who reads it. But it is often revealing.

Take this posting from April 10, 2004.

Im feeling so lost right now, I'm trying so hard too. Usually, i will do a private bible study or a devotion and pray and just relax and have some Cassie time.. but its just not working. This thing is just so heavy on my mind. ANd it SUCKS cuz i cannot talk to ONE of you about it.

Such musings are accessible 24 hours a day. Friends who miss something, or want to revisit a specific moment, can search through nearly two years of photographs, poems and random thoughts.

Cassie makes no promises about what anyone will find or whether they will like what they see. She just puts it out there.

Parents, though, are another issue.

Cassie's parents know their daughter spends $25 a year for a page hosted by Xanga.com. But she rarely shows it to them. It's for her and her friends, she says, like a phone call or an Instant Message.

Joy Leap, a paralegal, says she respects her daughter's privacy and doesn't go looking around on the site. She figures her daughter talks to her more than most teens talk to their parents.

Cyrus Leap, a radiology coordinator, isn't so accepting.

"I've seen it," he announced recently in earshot of his only child.

"You've seen it?" Cassie asks.

"I have no problem with it," her father says. "It's expression."

Cassie is hugging the wall near the kitchen. Her head is tilted toward the floor. She can't believe what she's hearing.

"You read it?" she asks.

"I have," her father says, "but I don't make a habit out of it."

"Good," his daughter replies.

Dad says he stumbled across the site one day. At the time, there was only one computer in the house and he wondered what Xanga.com was. When he clicked on the address, a photo of his daughter's friend popped up. Later, he saw a photo of Cassie on the site.

"I've looked at it a couple of times," he says, turning to his daughter, who is clearly unhappy.

Joy Leap is more than willing to let her husband take the flak.

Cassie's parents trust her. At the age of 12, she was allowed to walk from the Madison Avenue Boys & Girls Club to the New York University Medical Center where her father worked.

But they aren't naive. They know about pedophiles and what online liaisons can lead to.

"We've talked to her about people on the Internet," Joy Leap says. "Don't get too personal."

If Cyrus Leap had signed on last year, shortly after one of his daughter's friends committed suicide, he would have found Cassie dealing with her own anger while reaching out to others.

Brandon Pingleton, who took his life Aug. 10, 2003, was a sophomore at Largo High School. Cassie, also a sophomore at the time, didn't write in her journal for 12 days. She says she didn't know what to say.

Then on Sept. 13, 2003, she found the words.

Keep thinking about Brandon you guys... dont stop remembering him.. dont forget about him. His mom told me this morning that on his birthday, Sunday, September 21st, there is going to be a Suicide Awareness memorial thing at Johns Pass at 12:30. And that she would like all of his friends to be there. I think its important for everyone to be there too... try to make it. If not, just remember him and that its his birthday. Keep him and his family in your prayers..I dont know if anyone saw this or not... but Brandon was part of the street team for Chumley's Toy.. Our thoughts go out to the friends and families of Brandon Pingleton, a street team member that has recently passed. If he only knew how much he would be missed. Brandon, If you only knew...love you and miss you .. RIP.

Cass.

Postings like that are not the norm on Cassie's site. Much of her blog, in fact, would be incomprehensible to an occasional visitor. There's always something happening in it, but it's not always clear exactly what.

"I just like to keep up with my friends," Cassie says, "and they like to keep up with me."

An example from July 9, 2003:

Ahh! I got my drivers permit today!! yay! lol.

Until a few years ago, such communications would have been handled via telephone or e-mail. Today's teens say both are too inefficient.

Callers can't listen to the stereo while they are on the phone. E-mail is convenient, but doesn't carry the immediacy of Instant Messaging or electronic journals.

Cassie checks her e-mail account one or twice a week. When she does, she often spends time deleting all of the spam from people she doesn't know. There's no need to do that on her blog. Visitors there know her through school or church or from her years in New York. As for Instant Messaging, she has a buddy list. If a stranger pops up, she simply blocks his messages.

So colloquies with a friend like the one posted July 9, 2003, go mostly unseen by passers-by, which is just fine with Cassie:

What time are you starting this?: 2:51 pm

What time are you finishing this?: 6:52pm... Hey- i took a break from it and went to the DMV to get my permit!

"I'll be upset about something or excited about something and I just type and type," Cassie says. "It helps me share with people."

Times researchers Caryn Baird and Kitty Bennett contributed to this report. Monique Fields can be reached at 727-893-8737 or fields@sptimes Her AIM signon is misshoneysmoke.