The people wander in the streets, crying out for knowledge!
Puzzled children tug at their parents' sleeves and ask the question!
The citizens assemble in a mighty throng in the public square and cry out, as one:
What the heck are all these constitutional amendments on the Nov. 2 ballot?
Well, you've come to the right place. Here is Howard's Handy-Dandy, Totally Biased Guide to the Eight Constitutional Amendments on Florida's ballot. Ready?
AMENDMENT ONE: PARENTAL NOTIFICATION: You know this issue. Passing this amendment allows the Legislature to require minors to notify their parents, or else get a judge's permission, to have an abortion.
Each of us has a personal morality on this question. Me, I have no taste for forcing terrified young incest victims to parade down to the courthouse, or making them "notify" the responsible parent. But the polls say I'm on the losing end of this one.
AMENDMENT TWO: EARLIER DEADLINES FOR PETITIONS: There was an attempt to crack down on citizen petitions for constitutional amendments this year, but it fizzled. All that's left is this amendment, which would set an earlier petition deadline of Feb. 1. The deadline now is only 90 days before the election. More time for debate is not a bad idea, but I'm gonna vote no just to spite the Florida Chamber of Commerce, which led the campaign to limit citizen petitions.
AMENDMENT THREE: LAWYER FEES: This is the incredibly bad, too-simple idea of Florida's doctors. (For the incredibly bad, too-simple ideas of Florida's lawyers, see #7 and #8 below.) Legal fees in malpractice cases would be capped at 30 percent of the first $250,000 awarded in malpractice cases, and 10 percent for anything above that. This is another baby-with-the-bathwater approach. Anyway, lawyer fees are already capped in Florida, just not quite this much.
AMENDMENT FOUR: SLOT MACHINES: Having been rebuffed in several statewide elections, now the casino-types are shooting for Miami-Dade and Broward counties. Forget all the bull about economic impact. If you like gambling or are feelin' libertarian, vote yes. If you hate sneakiness and the sleaziness gambling brings, vote no.
AMENDMENT FIVE: MINIMUM WAGE: Apparently it is going to destroy the entire economy of Florida if somebody makes $6.15 an hour instead of $5.15. Why, the gall of these people! Next they'll probably want to eat some cake, too.
AMENDMENT SIX: REPEAL OF HIGH-SPEED RAIL: Gov. Jeb Bush and the Legislature so resent the high-speed rail project passed by the voters in 2002 that they simply have refused to carry it out. Now they are asking the voters to repeal it.
I say that if the voters defeat this amendment, and show that they Really, Really Meant It, then the governor and the Legislature are honor-bound to get out there and start laying the track themselves. Either that, or they should be impeached.
AMENDMENT SEVEN: PATIENTS' RIGHT TO KNOW: This would allow patients to review the records of past "adverse medical incidents" of doctors and medical facilities. Some of this information is secret now.
Again, this is a simplistic, feel-good idea. But it's mostly an attempt by lawyers to hurt doctors. Lawsuits will increase, the cost of lawsuits will increase, and the honest internal review of medical mistakes - that "peer review" that is an essential part of medicine - will suffer. Says me.
AMENDMENT EIGHT: "THREE STRIKES" FOR DOCTORS: One more sweet-sounding but awful idea. The claim of this amendment is that any doctor guilty of three instances of malpractice would be de-licensed. Sounds great, right?
This amendment will create enormous pressure on doctors and their insurance companies simply to settle lawsuits, rather than risk losing a case - creating open season for lawsuits. It is a meat-ax, one-size-fits all approach. It'll probably pass.
Like I said, it's an entirely biased summary. If you don't like it, take this column to the polling place and vote the opposite way all down the line. "Take THAT, you moron!" you can mutter to yourself. "I'm canceling you out!"
