For years, I have searched long and hard for guiding principles and meaningful philosophies on the backs of cars.
I figure divining wisdom about the presidential election is no different.
In recent days, I've seen a variety of inspirational sayings about John Kerry and George Bush.
Now it's time to rate them. We'll use the same system once deployed on American Bandstand . If it's got a good beat and you can dance to it, it's going to get a good score.
IM4W - This has a lot of appeal. It's easy to spot while zooming down the highway. Of course, it was Prince who popularized using numerals for words in the 1980s, and I suspect W thinks Prince's songs are something he would hear at Buckingham Palace. Still, the simplicity works, especially when you consider the president struggles with multisyllable words. Score: 77.
VERY LEFTWARDS - Done in the same style as Kerry-Edwards bumper stickers, this one zings the Democratic candidates for their liberal leanings. It should have been accompanied by a picture of the Kremlin. Score: 75
NOBODY DIED WHEN CLINTON LIED - Poetic justice? This one rhymes and jabs at the same time. It concedes the former president was less than honest about his Oval Office forays but suggests his misgivings pale in comparison to accusations that Bush misled the country about weapons of mass destruction. Might not hold up in court, but it works on Interstate 275. Score: 80
FLUSH THE JOHNS - This sticker comes with an accompanying picture of a toilet and is perfect for any Republican or plumber hoping to stir up business. Could have included a subtext line: And away go troubles down the drain. Score: 88
OSAMA BIN LADEN SUPPORTS JOHN KERR Y - Ouch. Every Democrat who sees this sticker doubles over in pain because it hits below the belt. And it's misleading because Bush hasn't been able to locate Bin Laden and find out who he's endorsing. Score: 66
SATAN SUPPORTS JOHN KERRY - See above. Score: 62
BUSH/CHENEY '04: THE LAST VOTE YOU'LL EVER HAVE TO CAST - I'm going to cry foul about this one too. Sure the most powerful man in the free world has the potential to change the world, but the last vote? I suspect we'll be arguing about touch screen machines and challenging felon lists in 2008. And 2012. And 2016. Score: 66
NOT FONDA KERRY - An alternative to squeezing a picture of 100 swift boat veterans onto a 10-inch-by-3-inch space. This is what happens when you have a bunch of military guys parade across the stage at the national convention, brag about your Purple Hearts at every opportunity and try to recast your image by talking tougher than Charles Bronson. Maybe it's necessary to sway voters worried about terrorism, but if you're going to run on your Vietnam service record, expect criticism. Score: 70
IRAQ FIRST, THEN FRANCE - The problem with this one is I can't tell if it's supporting Bush or criticizing him. For every liberal who complains about not having a true coalition of countries, there's a conservative who thinks it would be nice to get a hold of the Mona Lisa.
Score: 75.
I'M GEORGE BUSH AND I APPROVE THIS MESS - After being inundated with commercial approval taglines, it's nice to see a funny twist. But when you consider environmental protections have been eviscerated, the Iraqi conflict has no clear end and gas is more than $2 a gallon, how much can you laugh? Score: 79
