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Letter to the editor

I come bearing gifts for the holiday season

By HUBERT MIZELL
Published December 19, 2004

Six days to go, so I'm hustling to find appropriate gifts. Shopping isn't easy, not for these people. Resources are limited. Their needs are not always well defined. But here's my list, among them the naughty and the nice ...

JON GRUDEN: For him, a treasure would be two premier offensive linemen plus a placekicker that a coach can love.

BARRY BONDS: To the Aaron stalker, an appeal for an unquestionably juice-free 2005 season, even if it means taking daily drug tests, showing us the best he can honestly be at age 41.

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL: Giving official license, when the Heat next meets the Lakers, to do a bit more than take the charge if a completely vulnerable Kobe Bryant drives the lane.

URBAN MEYER: His present is a Gainesville honeymoon, meaning that the Ute beaut wins nine or more games next season and comes close in the SEC East, which should keep even the maniacal from erupting.

TIGER WOODS: Could there be a greater gift than a cub or two to crawl around a really large Orlando house?

MARTY SCHOTTENHEIMER: For him, how about a phone call from a can't-help-but-be-humbled Dan Snyder who has spent $5-million a season trying to better his Redskins by hiring Steve Spurrier and then Joe Gibbs ... so how about admitting to the the San Diego coach he ran out of Washington, "Hey, you're really not so bad."

ALEX RODRIGUEZ: A $10 gift card so his take from 2004 can bottom-line at $25,000,010.

RICKY WILLIAMS: No wrapped box for him, but I've been trying to figure something the Dolphin quitter should give, like settling up financially with his now-destitute old team while baring his soul to all, so our lasting recollections of a huge football talent can be less stained.

MARCY AND KEVIN MIZELL: Elegant trophies from Waterford for putting up with me.

JOHN McENROE: For the old tennis brat, a commercial endorsement that oughta be obvious, pushing XM satellite radio by nagging its only competitor, using Mac's infamous shout, "You cannot be Sirius!"

TYRONE WILLINGHAM: More than a gift, it is my hope that, as coach of the Washington Huskies, he becomes hotter than Seattle's finest coffee, making it more evident to a misguided, trigger-happy committee that the South Benders might've done Ty the favor of a lifetime.

PEYTON MANNING: As he demolishes Dan Marino's record for touchdown passes in a season, the best gift I can suggest for Archie's son and Eli's brother is to not match the old Dolphin in one way ... by never winning a Super Bowl.

SERENA WILLIAMS: Substance over style.

WADE BOGGS: For the old Red Sox/Yanks/Devil Rays hit smacker, what should be under his Christmas tree is being voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame on the first ballot.

KYLE PETTY: Somewhere, somehow, what a gift it'd be for this famous back-of-the-packer to win a Nextel Cup race, so his legendary papa can illuminate Victory Lane one more time with NASCAR's greatest smile.

TERRELL OWENS: What could be better for him than a free coupon (rich jocks don't expect to pay for anything without a motor or high-carat glitter) for immediate treatment from a specialist for HDD (Humility Deficit Disorder).

RON ZOOK: Give him six or seven wins next year, a record that can get a coach fired at Florida but, at Illinois, a result that could cause a highway or junior high school to be named for a man of class.

LOU PINIELLA: His gift should be enough of a budget increase to allow importing a dependable starting pitcher plus a right-handed hitter with power.

STEVE SPURRIER: Wrap up for Boss Gamecock an autographed photo of Bernie Machen.

MARTIN ST. LOUIS: What a delivery if, at this tardy and contentious juncture, the NHL's minuscule marvel can soon be granted opportunity to suit up with Lightning co-conspirators and properly defend the Stanley Cup.

GRANT HILL: Enduring health.

BOBBY BOWDEN: For him, I'm looking for a splash of offensive magic, allowing the winningest coach to deal with uncharacteristic FSU scoreboard shortages while not causing too many family fissures.

JOE PATERNO: He's spirited and stubborn, so how about an autumn with a stunningly good Penn State season, allowing a beaming JoePa to ride into retirement on the shoulders of his Lions?

YOU: Let it be peace, success, happiness, health, tranquility, fun ... I'll dig a little deeper in my bag, to see if there can possibly be more.

Hubert Mizell can be contacted at mizell3@cox.net

[Last modified December 19, 2004, 00:16:17]