You've been warned. Watch Are We There Yet? and pay the price.
By RICK GERSHMAN
Published January 20, 2005
[Photo: Columbia Pictures]
In Are We There Yet?, Philip Bolden, left, plays the son of character Suzanne Kingston (Nia Long), and Ice Cube plays Nick Persons, the man vying for her affection.
It's 500 degrees outside, and only one theater provides air conditioning.
It's raining concrete blocks, and this is the only shelter.
Only in these circumstances should you consider entering a showing of Are We There Yet?
Keep in mind: Even flaming-hot concrete blocks must have an upside.
Not so this flick, already a contender for the year's worst. Let's get the plot out of the way, quickly, before it prompts post-traumatic stress syndrome:
Ice Cube plays a guy babysitting two bratty kids on a trip to Vancouver. His efforts are intended to impress their mother, a sexy divorcee (Nia Long, Alfie).
It's too late; the flashbacks are emerging.
And they burn. Heaven help me, they burn.
Bits and pieces poke out like spikes on a bludgeoning mace: a story that exploits the hilarious theme of child endangerment. A set piece centered around a boy urinating in a woman's face.
The topper is just about the most idiotic attempt at an homage in recent memory: an animated, wisecracking bobblehead of Satchel Paige, Hall of Fame pitcher and African-American sports icon. This abomination is voiced by talent-bereft Tracy Morgan, the least-funny performer on Saturday Night Live since Sinead O'Connor.
Four so-called writers are credited with so-called authoring Are We There Yet?
It's a fair bet their so-called screenplay was written in crayon.
On a roll of toilet paper.
In hell.
The roly-poly Cube, usually an engaging presence, comes off as boorish and vain. Long, whom we loved back in Cube's classic Friday, plays a character whose actions make no sense. Liza Minnelli and David Gest made a more believable romantic couple.
Director Brian Levant's previous cinematic crimes have included Problem Child 2 and the Cuba Gooding Jr. "classic" Snow Dogs.
After this, he should be required to remain 500 yards from any film set at all times.
So Are We There Yet? No, Cube. We aren't there.
We don't mind hanging at the Barbershop. We'll roll around come Friday. We'll even watch you bust a little Anaconda butt.
But this is one trip that's not appropriate for kids.
Or adults.
Or mammals.
Are We There Yet?
Grade: F
Director: Brian Levant
Cast: Ice Cube, Nia Long, Aleisha Allen, Philip Bolden, Jay Mohr
Screenplay: Steven Gary Banks, Claudia Grazioso, J. David Stem, David N. Weiss
