Commentary

The buzz

By KEITH NIEBUHR and JOHN SCHWARB
Published February 6, 2005

GET YOUR SHRIEK ON

Maria Sharapova's loud and annoying shrieks during the Australian Open had television viewers from around the globe scrambling for the mute button. In honor of her memorable performance, we've compiled a list of the top grunters in tennis history.

1. Monica Seles: Loud, painful, never-ending. She set the standard for all others to follow.

2. Sharapova: Very young, yet very talented.

3. Jimmy Connors: Was there anything this guy did that wasn't obnoxious?

4. Serena Williams: When motivated she can match the decibel level of anyone.

5. Venus Williams: Can't seem to top Serena at anything, but still rather irritating.

Recruits holding up the hat of one college on signing day then putting it down and picking up another as if to say, "Gotcha!"

Jacksonville's stench (Hey, it ain't exactly Staten Island).

Super Bowl halftime ads.

Spuds MacKenzie.

Those in the non-Lakers section of NBA fandom didn't need a handkerchief when Shaq and Kobe's dynasty crashed and broke up after last season. But if we had known details like these, we may have secretly rooted for this dysfunctional group to stay together.

Coach Phil Jackson needed a shrink to deal with his team, as he revealed in the opening pages of The Last Season: A Team in Search of Its Soul, his diary of the 2003-04 Lakers.

"After receiving a few recommendations, I selected a therapist who has dealt with narcissistic behavior in the Los Angeles public school system. He'll be right at home here," Jackson said.

Every sports fan knew that Kobe wanted the ball more often, that Shaq wanted the ball more, Kobe had more on his mind last season than basketball, etc., etc. Jackson, of course, knew everything the media never heard, and sharing those details here makes The Last Season one of the better entries in the season-chronicling genre of sports books.

Shaq comes off as the kinder heart in the Shaq/Kobe feud, yet he was destined to be the one shipped out as owner Jerry Buss told Jackson that fan sentiment in L.A. was 5-to-1 pro-Kobe. Jackson is sympathetic to Bryant's legal problems, yet also incredulous at the star's self-absorption, such as when he took a cell phone call in the moments before Game 5 of the NBA Finals at Detroit.

For us, it's a guilty pleasure to marvel at it all, almost enough to make us sad it ended.

[Last modified February 6, 2005, 00:22:15]