Barfly on the Wall

Mastry's

Adam Newman/tbt* They won’t try to wow you with the decor at Mastry’s in St. Petersburg, but that isn’t why you went in there in the first place, is it?

Vitals: Located in the main drag of downtown St. Petersburg, the parking is plentiful indeed. Okay, I'm a liar. All parking in the immediate area is 2-hour metered parking, with free 2-hour spots on Third and Fourth streets -- pray for an opening after 8. The bar is open from 8 a.m. to 2 a.m. Monday through Saturday, starting things up at 1 p.m. on Sunday and closing at 2 a.m. Call (727) 822-3070, or just stop by at 233 Central Ave.

Decor: Mastry's walls, which are about as far apart as Mike Alstott's shoulders, are doused in pictures of fish, photos of people with fish, trinkets advertising fish and, well, mounted fish. Heck, there's probably a tackle box behind the bar. It's all very amusing for, oh, 10 seconds until you realize the overkill of fish and family is the most amusing thing in the place. That is, besides the large fishing video game. Yikes.

Vibe: Whoa, sweet jukebox! I've been looking for a proper mix of all the worst classic rock (Styx and REO Speedwagon) with some terrible modern rock (Matchbox Twenty) for good measure. Done and done.

Won't you be my neighbor?: The best reason to make it to Mastry's is because of the location. No, not because The Pier is just a decent telescope away. This curiously happening bar -- thanks to the 85 percent male crowd; excited yet, ladies? -- sports a backyard patio that just might save you 30 bones. Jannus Landing is only a couple of paces from the rear exit, meaning you can bathe in the sounds for free.

Meals not included: No food, but rest assured it would be some sort of fish fricassee with "funny" menu names if they were in the business, though.

Choices, choices: What draft beer to choose? There are so many taps, it's hard to pick the best. Will it be Busch or, err, Busch. Actually, there are two choices here; the Busch Light was all tapped out. Seriously.

Rest area: In all fairness, this is a rough category for many a true bar's bars. Mastry's crumbling urinals and filthy stench are a case-in-point, and just another reason to be afraid, very afraid.

Go or no? : Though the bar staff is nice and it's a good place to watch the Bucs on the down-low, Mastry's has a laundry list of problems. The music, beer and corny atmosphere are just some of the faults that need a lot of fine-tuning before it's anything but painful to sit through a plastic cup of Busch here. If none of that matters to you, however, be Mastry's guest.