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Rookie mom

Banking on 1-2-3s of good discipline

By KATHERINE SNOW SMITH
Published February 13, 2005

If your children can count to three, then they can keep their clothes off the floor, quit interrupting adults, finish their homework on time and do things the first time you ask them.

At least that's what Larry Koenig, family therapist and author of Smart Discipline, thinks. He says his rules and consequences system has changed the way families across the country operate.

Children ages 3 to 8 get three strikes, then lose a privilege for the day. Children ages 9 to 16 get seven strikes then lose a privilege for the rest of the week. I have to admit, I read the book and have been using the strike program about a month. It works pretty well. Koenig is holding a workshop on Feb. 23 in St. Petersburg.

The system is simple. Parents make a chart for each of their children that lists five bad habits or rules they break and five things they enjoy. When they have an infraction in any of the bad habits, they get a strike. The strikes add up to losing one or more privileges.

"With kids we tend to be reactive to misbehavior. We wait for something to happen, then we react to it. We yell or scream or criticize or threaten or send kids to time out," Koenig said in a phone interview this week.

"That's not going to prevent misbehavior. Smart discipline gives the rules and consequences in advance so kids can choose not to misbehave."

In his book, Koenig lists 21 rules you might consider when making a chart. They include no lying, no hitting, no bickering with siblings, no television until homework is checked, no leaving dirty dishes around the house and no criticizing the food.

"It's good for parents, too, because they get to sit down and talk about what's really important to them in a calm way when things are going well, instead of waiting when things are going wrong and they are upset with their children," Koenig said.

Now I normally wouldn't punish my daughters for leaving their nightgowns on the floor or interrupting me. Of course, I would tell them not to do it and make them come pick it up. I might even raise my voice depending on how many times they'd done it lately.

But now I have a slight punishment that can quickly result in a real loss of something they like. After about three weeks on the system, they have become much more aware of the bad habits that I've been nagging them about for years. We have days when they don't get any strikes at all.

I can watch my 6-year-old come in the kitchen in the morning, see the chart on our refrigerator and then run back to her room to make sure she picked up all her clothes. I think something finally clicked when she one day lost dessert and playing outside because she left things on the floor six times in one day. Seeing those six strikes had more impact than continually hearing me tell her to pick her stuff up.

My friend Allison Marshall has been using the Smart Discipline system with her two daughters. She has found it has taken much of the nagging out of parenting.

"I give a strike and I keep moving. I don't have to go on about what they did," she told me. "It makes it more black and white. Here are the rules and here are the consequences."

The system also makes it easier for mothers and fathers to be on the same page when it comes to discipline, she said. They can both dole out strikes without any gray area that lets one parent go easier on kids than the other.

Another key part in Smart Discipline is determining your child's "center of brilliance," then pointing out their talent and potential whenever you see it. The book recommends that you rate your child in a series of traits. A score sheet, then, tells you which of the seven centers of brilliance aligns with your child's talents.

Koenig thinks too many parents use criticism, though well-intended in many cases, to try to get their kids on the right track.

"Millions of parents today have lousy, stinking relationships with their teenagers and they have no idea why their kids won't listen to anything they say," Koenig added. "We as humans aren't going to stay in a relationship with somebody who is always criticizing us."

You can reach Katherine Snow Smith by e-mail at snowsmith@verizon.net or write Rookie Mom, St. Petersburg Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731.

The Smart Discipline workshop, 7 to 9 p.m. Feb. 23 at the Knowlton Campus of Canterbury School, 901 58th Ave. NE. Seating is limited, and registration is required. Cost is $10. Call St. Thomas Episcopal Church, sponsor of the workshop, at 896-9641 to register.

[Last modified February 13, 2005, 01:07:16]