Commentary

Faceoff

Who are you most likely to pullover and help change a flat tire?

By Times staff writers
Published February 13, 2005

Sapp, if only for the story

Surely, I'm kidding, right?

Help Warren Sapp? What, could I not pick Jose Canseco? Couldn't it be Vince Naimoli on the side of the road? Do I not know who he is?

Everybody seems to have a personal Sapp story, and in the two years since the Bucs won a Super Bowl, those stories haven't gotten any rosier.

Still, given that, what better tale to tell than the time you saw No.99 on the side of the road, hunched over in the rain, and helped the guy out? Sure, he might be rude and dismissive if you ask for an autograph (or, it seemed, really anything) but why not play Who to his Grinch?

Sure, there's nothing in the Bible to answer how the original Samaritan might have responded had his wayward traveler spat a glob of tobacco juice on his feet. And Chad Clifton, if you're reading this: You can keep on driving. Don't even slow down, pal.

But for everybody else, Bucs fan or not, if you really believe in random kindness, does it get more random than helping Sapp fix a flat?

- GREG AUMAN

JASON VOORHEES

Sure, he's a 6-foot-3, 240-pound masked messenger of machete death. He's been sent to the bottom of Crystal Lake who knows how many times. Burned alive. You name it. He keeps coming back. Nothing stops him. Except, apparently, a flat tire. Initially, you'd rather call AAA and keep cruising.

But seriously, unless you're the homecoming queen or the captain of the football team, or wandering down a lonely road near the lake, you're pretty safe.

Warren Sapp, on the other hand, could lash out at anyone at any time. He's not likely to be as persistent as Jason, though he seemed to get pretty tired pretty fast last year.

Besides, your buddies aren't going to actually believe you pulled over for Sapp anyway.

So you pull over. Listen for the ominous death scene music, and you'll be fine.

- BRANT JAMES

[Last modified February 13, 2005, 01:08:17]