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Clearing up frenzy of mistruth in sports last week

By GARY SHELTON
Published February 20, 2005

Hello, I'm Reggie Fowler. And I'd like to tell everyone the reason for all those factual errors in my resume. It was written by Jose Canseco.

Turns out, Fowler didn't play in the Little League World Series. No, he didn't play for the Cincinnati Bengals. No, he did not play drums for the Jimi Hendrix Experience. As far as winning the Miss Teen USA Pageant, well, that's his story and he's sticking to it.

Let's see. The NHL season may not be dead after all. Akili Smith's career might not be dead after all. Quick. Someone check for Lincoln's pulse!

Yes, Gary Bettman. Your sport is still among the Big Four. The other three are lawn bowling, badminton and Parcheesi.

Not to say Bob Goodenow has trouble recognizing a bad hand, but in his last job, wasn't he Keenan McCardell's agent?

Did you see where Michael Jackson's list of character witnesses includes Kobe Bryant? Actually, Jackson didn't want Kobe, but O.J. Simpson was out of town.

Say there's no way, Jose. Canseco suggests there was steroid use on the 2000 Devil Rays? That changes everything. The 69 victories, the six homers by Vinny Castilla, the two stolen bases by Fred McGriff and the triple by Greg Vaughn ... were those numbers chemically inflated?

This just in: Karl Malone has discovered that he retired in 2001.

Soon, I expect the Bucs to contact both Jeff Garcia and Drew Bledsoe. Because of his mobility, Garcia will be promised a shot at the starting quarterback position. Because of his mobility, Bledsoe will be used as a potted plant in Jon Gruden's office.

I see where Mike Greenwell wants the 1988 MVP award he lost because Canseco used drugs. While he is at it, Greenwell also wants 13 Academy Awards and 26 Grammies over the last two decades.

Don't suggest that Bettman doesn't have his fans. For instance, he makes Bud Selig look smart and Paul Tagliabue look fun.

It's wonderful that Lance Armstrong is going for his seventh Tour de France win. It's even better that the French journalists don't have Canseco's number.

Do you think, just maybe, the Rays signed so few players in the offseason because they thought it was their sport that was holding the lockout?

The next major drug scandal in sports, I suspect, will surround the popular dog shows. I mean, how long can we turn our heads before we test those fans?

Don't feel sorry for all of the NHL players. As I understand it, Vinny Lecavalier is making $300,000 a month in Russia. That goes a long way. For instance, Lecavalier can afford to hire someone to stand in the toilet paper line for him.

A survey by the Rocky Mountain News says 30 percent of the NBA players smoke marijuana. That clanging sound you hear is Ricky Williams, working on his jump shot.

Mark McGwire plans to be a lot more boisterous in his own defense of Canseco's charges. First, though, he's riding in the seventh race at Aqueduct.

Idle thought while at the Florida State Fair: How many Devil Ray pitchers could hit that little target at the dunk tank?

Another thought: If Vince Naimoli was in the dunk chair, how much money would Rays' pitchers spend trying?

How do you think former Lightning owner Art Williams found out about the hockey shutdown? Did an employee stick his head in the office and say: "Guess what, Art. The pansies aren't blooming this year."

Don't be too hard on the Rays. One team signed Ben Grieve this offseason, another signed Castilla and in both cases, the Rays had an alibi. This time.

Finally, I think Canseco is mistaken when he says Wilson Alvarez was on steroids. That wasn't a hypodermic Wilson was applying to his hip. It was a cake icer.

[Last modified February 20, 2005, 00:54:14]