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My Final Four picks can beat (up) your Final Four picks

By GARY SHELTON
Published March 27, 2005


Gotta tell you, I'm proud of my bracket. In my Final Four, I have Mark McGwire playing Pete Rose and Barry Bonds against Robert Blake.

What? Aren't you keeping up with the Liars Poker tournament?

Simple reason the NFL is going to play the 2010 Super Bowl in New York. Jacksonville was busy.

Being part of the vile media that have conspired to ruin Bonds' life, I feel absolutely awful. Was I the guy who rubbed steroids on his leg, or was I the guy who told his mistress to tick off the IRS in her grand jury testimony? After all, I don't want to get in the wrong line.

Ah, good old Mike Tyson. Now the Thai kicking association wants to sign him. Give Mike a year, and he'll be biting the heads off live chickens on Letterman.

Give him two, and he'll be boxing Tonya Harding on Leno.

You have to pull for Maurice Clarett as he works out at Warren G. Harding High School. If he can pass junior English, I think he'll make the team.

I think I love that David Cassidy, good old Keith Partridge, could win the Kentucky Derby this year. Didn't Shirley Jones win it last year?

Oops, that was Smarty Jones.

Personally, I would love to see Pat Summitt coach the Tennessee men's team, but I know I'm outnumbered. In this case, those outnumbering me are Tubby Smith, Billy Donovan and the rest of the SEC men's coaches.

Official medical explanation of Bonds' injury: juice on the knee.

One of these days, one of these teams no one expects is going to win the whole darned NCAA Tournament. So which team will be the new Hoosiers? Just a guess, but maybe it will be the Hoosiers.

Personal to Tim Marcum: Tim, critics say Arena football is Mickey Mouse. Not Jesse James.

So, whose Rays career do you like better: John Rocker's or Robbie Alomar's?

I see where Nick Saban is keeping the light on for Ricky Williams. And if Williams doesn't want the job, Tommy Chong can have it.

Yeah, I'm sure you have some funny one-liners about Bonds. But I would bet Henry Aaron's are funnier.

Are we certain it wasn't Jay Gruden who was meeting with Quincy Carter?

Maybe Florida's annual quick exit from the NCAA Tournament wouldn't bother everyone else so much if it seemed to bother Donovan just a little.

Did you see where Saints coach Jim Haslett says he used steroids? Who was he before? Don Knotts?

Tim Brown is coaching the Notre Dame spring game? Does Charlie Weis plan to change the nickname to the Fair Catching Irish?

I think I speak for all of us when I decry the Penn State players who shot arrows through the walls of their condos without knowing what was on the other side. On the other hand, doesn't that prove that Joe Paterno needs to update his attack?

So, whose Bucs career do you like better: James Brooks' or Charlie Garner's?

While we all lost a good giggle when Harding pulled out of her fight with a transvestite, it was a victory for science. We have walked on the moon, we have split the atom, and finally, we have burrowed beneath Tonya's dignity.

The Big East is adopting instant replay this year. For those of you on a tight schedule, that means the first call to go against Jim Leavitt could be Sept.24 when USF plays Louisville. Seismologists are standing by.

I'm no math whiz, but if the Seahawks signed Joe Jurevicius and Chartric Darby to help the chemistry in their locker room, does that mean there is even less to go around in Tampa Bay's? When it comes to chemistry, last year's Bucs team couldn't light a Bunsen burner. Wouldn't it just be cheaper for Bill Romanowski to pay everyone he didn't cheap shot?

Finally, polls suggest McGwire might not get into the Hall of Fame. Just as well. These days, he doesn't look like he could open the door.

[Last modified March 27, 2005, 00:35:15]


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