News

Body & mind

From ecstasy to agony

By JAY CRIDLIN
Published April 13, 2005

---

Lynn Smith: Small-town girl, actress, writer, girlfriend, world traveler. A fan of Green Day, Gwen Stefani and the Black Eyed Peas.

She's also a recovering ecstasy addict.

Smith became hooked on the drug as an acting student in New York City five years ago. For months, it dominated her days and nights, eventually landing her in a psychiatric ward.

Smith, 27, is clean now, earning a living on the guest-lecture circuit, speaking 20 or so times a year about the lowest points of her young life. She's also written a book, Rolling Away, due for release in May.

On Monday, she spoke on the dangers of ecstasy addiction at Eckerd College, the last stop on a tour of Florida colleges. Earlier that day, she discussed her life and recovery with tbt*'s Jay Cridlin.

Here are excerpts:

When did you get your first high?

I'd just turned 19. I moved to New York City not knowing anything about city life, coming from pastures and grain. Going to parties, there was never a question of "Is there going to be drugs?" There were always drugs, there was always alcohol. So I decided to try out a hit of ecstasy one night with four or five of my friends. The pill had a happy face on it, or a Nike swoosh, or a Cabbage Patch Kid. It looked like child's play.

Describe it, if you could.

It was showstopping, just like being hit by a tidal wave of good feeling, from head to toe. Tingling. Colors were brighter, music sounded better, your skin felt like it was silk. You were glowing. I thought, how could anything that makes you feel this good be bad for you? There wasn't any crazy comedown in the beginning, it was just a good time.

Did anyone try to help you, ever?

I surrounded myself with the same kind of people. ... I was a bartender at kind of a trendy place in New York, so I was meeting a lot of club owners and managers and VIPs. I can honestly say I never paid for drugs, and that was probably one reason it was a complete recipe for disaster.

It wasn't until after I graduated acting school, and I was in the real world, that I started to use ecstasy again. It was no longer in an apartment with my friends. I was doing it in clubs and dance parties. Then other drugs didn't seem as scary to me, so I tried cocaine and smoked pot, because the high with ecstasy wasn't nearly as good as the first time. One pill no longer did it. I had panic attacks. Nightmares. Really quickly, my life spiraled, and I had no idea what was going on with my body or my mind.

I called my mom one night, because I thought I was dying. I thought I was having a heart attack. So she came to pick me up in the middle of the night in New York and took me back to Pennsylvania, and took me to the emergency room, where I admitted everything. It was a really horrible time.

Are there after-effects? Do you still get cravings?

Not long ago, I was having panic attacks again, which seemed to come out of nowhere, because I hadn't had panic attacks since I was using drugs. Sleep isn't as solid or as relaxing for me. My moods are extreme. When I feel bad, I feel really bad. When I feel good, I feel really good. It's a delicate balance.

Does talking about it all the time make you feel like you might slip back into that pattern of behavior?

Actually, the opposite. Doing this really keeps me on the straight and narrow. When I see drugs ... I just see the dark side. I don't see the fun in it anymore. There's definitely no allure. May 3 will be five years of no drugs in my system, which is pretty good.

-- Jay Cridlin cridlin@tampabay.com

Connect: To write Lynn Smith or learn more about her addiction, visit www.lynnmariesmith.blogspot.com.

[Last modified April 13, 2005, 15:39:06]

[an error occurred while processing this directive]