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Gimme Five

T.O., tickets and the latest installment of QB roulette?

By JOHN ROMANO
Published April 17, 2005

FIVE TOPICS SUITABLE FOR INANE DEBATE ON TALK RADIO:

PUNCHLESS: Just to clarify, that fan did not take a full swing at Gary Sheffield. He was just a minor irritant. I know the difference. I've watched the Devil Rays behave the same way around the Yankees since 1998.

TIMEOUT FOR T.O.: In the past month, Terrell Owens has fired his long-time agent and friend, complained his $49-million contract left him underpaid, accused Eagles management of leaking stories about him, took a dig at quarterback Donovan McNabb, said he was through talking to reporters about his contract and cried on television. Yup, sounds like he deserves a raise.

IS IT CAN'T-MISS OR CAN'T-MAKE?: UF's Anthony Roberson and Matt Walsh are exploring their options in the NBA draft. Upon hearing the news, the NCAA selection committee named Florida a No.1 seed in the 2006 tournament.

IF I MAY SAY, "PFFFFFFT!": Paul Tagliabue's office is either run by idiots or liars. Smart money is on the liars. Following the Mike Tice scandal, the commissioner said an investigation revealed no one else in the NFL was scalping Super Bowl tickets. This, my friends, is called a coverup. The scalping of tickets by players, coaches and executives is supposedly rampant. The NFL doesn't want that information out because A) it opens up very sticky IRS questions, and B) it would be one more example of the league hustling you out of your money.

APOCALYPSE NOW: So Jose Canseco is a guest lecturer at the University of Florida, Alex Sanchez is the biggest name caught in baseball's new policy for performance-enhancing drugs, and Mark McGwire could audition for the role of Barney Fife. Yeah, I'm convinced we've got a handle on this steroid mess.

Five reasons the Bucs won't be on prime time:

5. No Dwight Smith? No one to pistol-whip network execs.

4. Bump that Bengals-Jaguars game on Oct.9? No way.

3. Do you have any idea what the Glazers charge to park John Madden's bus?

2. There's already a show called Deadwood.

1. I blame the NHL Players' Association.

There are two hot quarterbacks in the NFL draft. That means there are a lot of nervous NFL officials. Nothing worse than picking the wrong QB. Since 1979, there have been 13 drafts that included two or more quarterbacks among the first seven picks. Here are five that went wrong.

1. 1979: Picking No. 3, the Bengals went with Jack Thompson, the Throwin' Somoan. His career bottomed out in Tampa Bay a few years later. At No. 7, the Giants got Phil Simms, who went on to be the MVP of Super Bowl XXI. By the way, a guy named Montana was the 82nd pick.

2. 1982: The Colts take Art Schlichter at No. 4 and the Bears snatch Jim McMahon at No. 5. McMahon goes on to win Super Bowl XX. Schlichter goes on to bet on Super Bowl XX.

3. 1983: Can't decide who screwed up worse. The Colts? They drafted John Elway at No.1 overall and then traded him to Denver for Chris Hinton, Mark Herrmann and a first-round pick in '84. The Chiefs? They drafted Todd Blackledge at No. 7 with Dan Marino, Jim Kelly, Tony Eason and Ken O'Brien still on the board.

4. 1994: The Redskins choose Tennessee quarterback Heath Shuler at No. 3. He lasts three years and 13 starts in Washington. The Bucs take Trent Dilfer at No. 6. He goes on to make a Pro Bowl and win Super Bowl XXXV with Baltimore.

5. 1999: This looked like a tough choice. Three highly-rated quarterbacks who would go in succession at the top of the draft. In hindsight, there was only one real choice. The Browns took Tim Couch at No.1, the Bengals got Akili Smith at No.3. In between was Donovan McNabb.

1. Hideo Nomo is gone by the end of May. Unless he's gone by the end of April.

2. Jorge Cantu moves to third base and Nick Green takes over at second.

3. Scouts chip in for a Port-A-Potty.

4. Danys Baez is traded by mid summer.

5. Lou Piniella is on Prozac by mid fall.

Steve Spurrier is finally back.

[Last modified April 17, 2005, 00:26:13]