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Guest column

What good is a living will if there is no living?

By IRENE BUGGY
Published April 22, 2005

I've started several times in my head to write this in the past week. It wasn't until I received an e-mail from my brother-in-law in Pennsylvania that I was able to put my thoughts on paper. This subject doesn't have more or less weight if you are a Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox Jew or atheist. I am talking about the right to die with dignity by way of a document known as a living will.

I venture to guess that a month ago most of us did not have one. I bet today that there are thousands upon thousands who do.

I want to share a not-so-legal living will with you. It made me smile, and I hope it does the same for you. I mean no disrespect to the Schindler family, for whom I have the utmost respect. It is meant to show that even in thoughts of death we can use humor to express our final wishes.

The following is a family member's living will:

I don't want to be Schiavoed. Let me explain. When the time comes, I want doctors, I want lots of them. I also want lots of tests: CAT scans, pet scans, scan scans. I want to be poked, prodded and jabbed with needles. I want everything that is medically possible to be done to determine if there is any chance, even a .00019 chance of my condition improving. I want to volunteer for any new procedure, however risky, that comes down the pike. If some whack job witch doctor from Borneo claims he can perform a transplant of my cerebral cortex, I'm in. I don't want anyone to say that I went quietly into the night without trying everything in their power to save me. I'm going out kicking and screaming.

As far as my living condition, I want a TV on constantly, and a DVD player. At a later date I will provide a list of movies that I want played, one a night, every night, for as long as I live. Friends and family will be welcome to join so long as they bring the popcorn and candy.

Now, if there comes a time when the doctors all agree that I've got no shot, none, zero, zilch, nada, of recovering consciousness and the expense of my treatment and care is strapping my family, then that's it. They can let me go, and I will be good and ready. But don't turn off anything, or pull any feeding tubes, until all of my grandchildren say it's okay. Yes, all of them. If one of them says "Keep it going," then leave me alone. I know I'll have one who will hold out for a long time.

Regardless, when the end finally does come, naturally, I want a nice funeral and luncheon. I'll select the music and attach it to this will. I want a full fire and police funeral, with bagpipes. A helicopter flyover would be nice. At the luncheon, after grace, I want Frank Sinatra's My Way played with everyone joining in at the appropriate times. Then, dig in! I'm sure my wife will have selected the best food for the 200-plus people there, and plenty of beer for everyone, or whatever their pleasure. This is my Living Will.

I don't think it gets much better than that.

Irene Buggy, Valrico

[Last modified April 21, 2005, 08:33:10]