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Q: Are all lawmakers nuts? A: No, just ours

By HOWARD TROXLER
Published April 24, 2005

How about a little Sunday morning Q&A?

So, if this law they're considering in Tallahassee passes, it will be okay to drive home from a restaurant with an open bottle of nice wine, but still illegal to have a $2 screw-top malt liquor, right? What about if the convenience store clerk staples the malt-liquor receipt onto the paper bag, the way they want to do for the wine bottle?

I refuse to stoop to this kind of class warfare.

Say, aren't you from North Carolina? Do you happen to know whether that state is half-covered with commercial hog waste? Is it vile and disgusting? Is it stored in "lagoons" that overflow? Do you think that the "pregnant pig" amendment to the Florida Constitution to block commercial hog farming in this state is as stupid as everybody says it is?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No.

Do you think that Vince Naimoli, managing general partner of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, will gracefully step aside so that partner Stuart Sternberg can take over and finally, mercifully, put a competitive team on the field? Do you think it's an act of criminal negligence to have brought manager Lou Piniella here and then repeatedly given him the lowest payroll in baseball?

No. Yes.

Is it ironic, given the controversy over expansion of St. Petersburg-Clearwater International Airport, that the Pinellas County Commission had to shift millions from other sources to make up for a loss in operating revenues?

Who am I, Alanis Morissette?

Do we really need an act of the Florida Legislature kicking kids in Florida out of their band, chess club or other extracurricular activity if they don't have a 2.0 average? Don't you think local schools might be in a better position to decide which kids should do what? Is it possible some at-risk kids are actually helped by these activities?

No. Yes. Yes.

What excuse would you love to hear from the expert who mistook two everyday Florida black snakes in the Land O' Lakes area of Pasco County for rare, threatened indigo snakes, therefore delaying a housing development for five months?

"Sorry. I was up on a chair screaming "SNAKE!' and didn't get a good look."

After the county administrator in Hillsborough County recently made the statement that county decisions should be made on the facts, and not on the basis of who gave the most campaign contributions, don't you think it's kind of weird that County Commissioner Brian Blair freaked out and read an angry two-page statement saying that she should be fired? Feeling a little defensive, is he?

Yes. Looks like.

Speaking of the Hillsborough County Commission, don't you think it would be a blast to put Commissioner Ronda Storms in charge of which DVDs in the public libraries are worthwhile, and which should be thrown out? On the other hand, despite her wacky preaching and goofy ideas, don't you secretly think that Ronda Storms has more gumption than most public officials?

I would pay to watch. And, yes.

Given that conservative Republicans are running the Florida Legislature, and considering that they have stumbled across an extra $2-billion or so, have any of them proposed just giving it back to the taxpayers, besides the big fat tax break for people who own stocks and bonds?

Not to my knowledge.

Do you have any jokes that begin with the phrase, "This dog walks into a bar..."?

As a matter of fact, yes. This dog walks into a bar in the Wild West. His left foreleg is all wrapped in bandages. The dog orders a whiskey, throws it back, looks around and drawls: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

How about any jokes from the children's menu at the International House of Pancakes, as related by St. Petersburg Times health writer Lisa Greene, who heard it from her daughter Gracie?

If you insist. What do you call a mosquito in a tin suit? A bite in shining armor.

That's not funny.

That's not a question.

[Last modified April 24, 2005, 01:01:02]