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Rant suggests Schilling ought to check for a head wound

By GARY SHELTON
Published April 28, 2005

This is the time, one supposes, to tell Curt Schilling to put a sock in it.

It is time to be indignant, is it not? In the name of civic responsibility, it is time to be outraged.

Schilling, the Red Sox pitcher and winner of the Battle of Wounded Ankle, has disparaged our defenseless (and, pretty much, offenseless) Devil Rays. He has suggested Lou Piniella has forgotten how the game is played. He has thrown his won-loss record at Joe Magrane.

Yep, these are fighting words, all right.

As soon as I finish laughing, I swear, I'm going to be ticked.

I'm sorry, but this is funny stuff. Someone is annoyed at the Rays, and it isn't even one of their fans.

Call it progress.

Oh, I don't buy into Schilling's loony rant for a second. On the other hand, it is flattering that, on the 14-billionth opinion by Schilling, he finally got around to one about a franchise as benign as the Rays. Frankly, I'm not sure every pitcher of his stature realizes the Rays are even in the league.

Seriously, the Rays should look at angering Schilling as a badge of honor. Whom else did they ever bother before? Playing against the Rays is like trying to remember the geometry you took in high school. It wasn't important enough to remember.

Now, that has changed. Old Blood and Stain has ripped them from afar. Finally, the Rays and the Yankees have something in common.

Give or take Alex Rodriguez, of course.

A brief disclaimer: I think Schilling, most of the time, is a hoot. Not everyone does. There are those who, let's say, doubt his sincerity. Besides, Schilling is a guy with strong opinions, and in life, that tends to bother other people with strong opinions. People in baseball generally agree that Derek Jeter deserves to be admired and that Barry Bonds doesn't, but the opinions seem evenly divided on Schilling.

Even last fall, when Schilling was the Red Sox player with the red sock, there were those who regarded Schilling as if he were performing Hamlet's soliloquy. There was even a suggestion it wasn't blood on Schilling's sock. The next step, one supposes, was to doubt that it was his own blood. (Quick! Someone get the leeches while I hold down the clubhouse attendant!)

Personally, I thought it was a Willis Reed moment. Besides, I have a weakness for people who speak their mind, even if it occasionally causes your eyes to rotate. When Schilling is endorsing a presidential candidate, when he's suggesting that Deion Sanders is "a glorified flag football player," when he's suggesting that Rodriguez was not guilty of a bush-league play but "a Kerry-league play," when he's suggesting that he couldn't pat Arizona teammates on the behind because "that's where they shoot the steroid needles," I tend to chuckle. On the other hand, Schilling wasn't exactly a quipster at the congressional steroid hearings, was he? Schilling backtracked so quickly he should have made the "beep-beep-beep" noise of a golf cart in reverse.

Nevertheless, if Schilling wants to throw one at the heads of the Rays, verbally speaking, well, it's his turn.

If Schilling really wants to criticize the Rays, however, he's going to have to take a number.

For instance, if you want to rip the Rays, you don't start by ripping Lou. You start by ripping Vince Naimoli. Everyone knows that.

Hey, some teams bleed from the sock, and some bleed from the wallet. Some teams pay Schilling, and some teams pay shillings.

Seriously, does anyone really think the problem with the Rays is that they're just toodarned aggressive? Is Schilling suggesting that if the Rays weren't such headhunters then, by gum, they would be in the playoffs? Please.

Ask yourself: Do you really believe, for one second, that during a brawl between teams that have grown seriously weary of each other, that while Trot Nixon says he was having his eyes gouged by Dewon Brazelton, Rays players sidled up to Schilling and said, "This is why we lose 100 games a year, because this idiot makes us do stuff like this"? Schilling says it happened. Personally, I'd like to have a name or two attached. Same with Piniella, who said he had a meeting with his team, and every player denied it. Someone is making something up. Want to guess who? Frankly, if the Rays said anything at all to Schilling, it was probably to ask for spare change. After all, Schilling makes roughly half of what the entire Rays roster makes. And that has a bit to do with the Rays' loss total, too.

The really amusing part, however, was to see Schilling bent out of shape over Magrane's comments. Who knows? Maybe Schilling is still gloating about beating Magrane 3-1 back in September of '92. Otherwise, you would think this would roll off Schilling's back. It didn't. He called Magrane "a frickin' idiot" and "a tool."

(New marketing idea: Tool Time at the Trop. Everyone gets to guess at what sort of tool Schilling thinks Magrane is. A socket wrench? A Phillips head screwdriver? A cordless drill?)

So what is the message here? To criticize Schilling, you have to have won more than 57 games (Schilling suggested Magrane had won only 24)? Have we just entered get-over-yourself time?

At any rate, the hard feelings continue, and trying to figure out who started what is like trying to untangle two third-graders. Suffice it to say that everyone wishes the Rays could pitch straighter, not to mention faster and with fewer doubles involved.

Stay tuned. The teams play again in July. Maybe Schilling will be funny again. Or maybe the Rays can score enough to shut him up.

If that doesn't work, they could always place a congressman in front of him.

[Last modified April 28, 2005, 01:19:11]