Texan could lead Democrats to salvation

By DIANE ROBERTS
Published May 10, 2005

Republicans are always whomping Democrats upside the head over "values" and "morality." Well, as they say in Amarillo, no mas. The Lone Star State has produced a politician who should be an example to those Dems who figure a little red will cure their blue-state blues.

Rep. Al Edwards, D-Houston, is the kind of hard-edged Old Testament-type the party of Jackson, Johnson and Clinton desperately needs. Back in the 1990s, he proposed that the state of Texas amputate the fingers of drug dealers. He also wanted prisons to bring back flogging, arguing that it would help "rehabilitate" inmates. Now he's introduced a bill that will clean up the pit of lascivious vice that is Texas high-school cheerleading.

Now cheering is to Texas what luxurious free trips are to Congress - an integral part of the culture. The Kilgore Rangerettes have appeared at every Cotton Bowl since the Battle of Shiloh, high-kicking in cowboy boots. A few years ago, a mother was convicted of murdering a cheerleading rival of her daughter's. Some evangelical preachers say that the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, with their hot pants and push-up brassieres, decked with gold like the Whore of Babylon in the Book of Revelation, chapter 17, verse five, are a sign that the End Times are upon us.

A member of the Texas House for 26 years, Edwards evidently spends a lot of time at ball games. And what he's seen makes him madder than a longhorn bull chained to the Estee Lauder counter at Neiman Marcus: 11th-graders doing lewd things with pompoms, 15-year-olds bumping and grinding like lap dancers, the future soccer moms of the nation, "wiggling their behinds, breaking it down and suchlike."

As Edwards said primly to Bill O'Reilly, "I can't quite describe what we are seeing physically, but I can tell you any adult that has been involved with sex - well, they know it when they see it."

The bill would penalize school districts by taking away some of their money if they permit nasty-looking fanny action. Why can't those girls leave their hips out of it? Why can't they just jump up and down and yell "Go, y'all!" or whatever? Rep. Edwards complains that he can't see how you can tell teenagers that sex is "dangerous" and then let them go out in public wearing sports bras and short skirts to perform "suggestive gyrations."

Uncontrolled bootie-business is indeed the first truck stop on the multi-laned highway of Sin, leading to the Perdition exit. In 1957, Elvis Presley appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show but only from the waist up. His pelvic movements were deemed harmful to the youth of the nation. Judging by the lustful screams of the girls in the audience, this was sound thinking. It's obviously a direct line from Elvis' lubricious motions to the upheavals of the 1960s, women's liberation, Free Love, LSD, talking back to your parents, the Weather Underground, Roe vs. Wade, long-haired freaks, no-fault divorce, flavored condoms, body piercing, porn channels, britches worn around the knees, and the "Grand Theft Auto" video game series.

Democrats have simply failed to understand the priorities of the United States in the 21st century. As a Republican supporter of Rep. Edwards' bill told the Associated Press, "People want young men clashing on the field, not girls shaking their behinds." Violence, not sex, is what inspires our nation. Nobody wanted to see Janet Jackson's bosom at the Super Bowl. They wanted to see 300-pound men beating the crap out of other 300-pound men, maybe a broken tibia and a crushed sternum or two. Until more Democrats become like Rep. Edwards of Texas, the party will fail to win elections. Step up, Sen. Bill Nelson! Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz! Rep. Jim Davis! Here's an opportunity to cross over and kiss up to conservative values. Been down to St. Pete Beach lately? Those bikinis leave nothing to the imagination. Write a bill. Make those girls cover themselves up. Why not a nice burqa? Modest, ladylike, and flattering to every figure.

Diane Roberts is author of Dream State, a book about Florida.

[Last modified May 11, 2005, 10:35:03]