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Rays

What's up in Dewon's head? Just a guess . . .

By GARY SHELTON
Published May 19, 2005

You are Dewon Brazelton, and you are willing to hold your breath until your ears wiggle.

You are the Devil Rays, and considering how the rest of the season is going, watching ears wiggle sounds like grand entertainment.

You are Brazelton, and you have vanished. You are frustrated, but anything you say might burn bridges. For now, your silence is deafening.

You are the Rays, and you placed your young pitcher on the restricted list. You are angry, but anything you say could blow an investment. Better to let the world fill in the thought balloons.

You are Brazelton, and you seem to be saying you do not think of yourself as a minor-leaguer.

You are the Rays, and your response seems to be, well, don't pitch like a minor-leaguer.

You are Brazelton, and perhaps you wonder if it is time to hit the road.

You are the Rays, and after checking on Brazelton's road record (0-14), perhaps you don't think that's a good idea.

You are Brazelton, and as you think about the past, you can think of a million reasons you might need a change.

You are the Rays, and as you think about the paycheck, you can think of a million reasons per year you might need some change.

You are Brazelton, and you would remind everyone that you were this team's opening day pitcher.

You are the Rays, and you hope everyone forgets that Wilson Alvarez was, too.

You are Brazelton, and this is hard. You have succeeded most of your life, and now the deck is stacked the wrong way and the game is knocking you around.

You are the Rays, and who said it was easy? Still, this looks to be the wrong pitch at the wrong time.

You are Brazelton, and you seem to think you do not belong in Triple A.

You are the Rays, and perhaps you agree. Then again, your Class A roster is set.

You are Brazelton, and during your dark moments, at least you can be heartened that most people think you are a nice guy.

You are the Rays, and you remember what Leo Durocher said: Nice guys let opposing batters hit .354 against them on the road.

You are Brazelton, and you are frustrated and depressed and concerned about the future.

You are the Rays, and ditto.

You are Brazelton, and you have pulled a Dave Chappelle. No one seems to know if you are sulking or if this is a serious cry for help.

You are the Rays, and it is time to ask just how depressing this locker room really is. Everyone jokes about how a bad team can drive you crazy, but seriously, how can this team not suffer from depression? When you consider Brazelton's walkabout, Rob Bell's anxiety, sudden retirements and the long list of playes who were better elsewhere than here, don't you wonder if the team should invest in a therapist?

You are Brazelton, and the consensus is that you think too much.

You are the Rays, and the consensus is that you think too little.

You are Brazelton, and no, you can't hear them now. You aren't answering the phone.

You are the Rays, and it's just as well. You have almost used up all your minutes for this month, anyway.

You are Brazelton, and it gets old playing for a nickel-and-dime franchise.

You are the Rays, and considering the lonely victory, a million-dollar-plus salary is a lot of nickels and a few dimes more than Vince Naimoli is comfortable paying.

You are Brazelton, and when it comes to your next start, evidently you have a prior engagement.

You are the Rays, and by the way, wasn't Brazelton supposed to be Mark Prior?

You are Brazelton, and you are weary of everyone wondering if you are tough enough, resilient enough, mature enough to make it.

You are the Rays, and you think this will only reinforce the suspicions.

You are Brazelton, and perhaps yet, you will be worth a huge investment.

You are the Rays, and one more time: How much more did Mark Teixeira want?

You are Brazelton, and if you really wanted to frighten the Rays, you could let it slip that you are spending your time off with Josh Hamilton's tattoo artist.

You are the Rays, and if Brazelton really needs to be alone, you could sell him two tickets down the third-base line. Cheap.

You are Brazelton, and you know that a lot of people are going to miss you in the major leagues.

You are the Rays, and you note that a great many of them bat for other teams.

You are Brazelton, and you wonder: Would Nolan Ryan handle things this way?

You are the Rays, and you think that Jason Giambi would.

You are Brazelton, and eventually, you will have to explain your absence. Maybe you could tell people you weren't AWOL, you were standing in line for Star Wars tickets.

You are the Rays, and now that you think about it, Darth Vader looks an awful lot like Jose Canseco. Only Darth wore less armor and stands a better chance of being invited to old-timer's games.

You are Brazelton, and really, it is time to make a statement. On the mound, if not off.

You are the Rays, and frankly, you don't want to have this conversation again.

[Last modified May 19, 2005, 00:44:07]