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Random thoughts

Gruden stamp on 'Longest Yard' might look familiar

By GARY SHELTON
Published May 29, 2005


Hello, I'm Jon Gruden, and I had a blast drawing up plays for the thugs and roughnecks in The Longest Yard. It reminded me of my Raider days.

Seriously, don't you wonder which of the plays are Gruden's? If there is a play during which a running back is wide open and falls over sideways, I'm guessing that's one. If a kick returner hook-slides with no one around, that's another.

Oh, and if the Mean Machine throws to a fat defensive tackle, I say Warren Sapp sues for plagiarism.

I don't mind so much that the Magic no longer can play basketball. But when did it get so lousy at pingpong?

Just wondering: When Evel Knievel was younger, did he have a clause in his contract that barred him from playing football?

That odd noise you heard the other day was from Curt Schilling, master of all knowledge, who is now yapping in the general direction of Tony La Russa. Schilling suggests La Russa is acting like a "jilted lover" over losing shortstop Edgar Renteria. Good old Curt. Even injured, he leads the league with thoughts stranded on base.

I am sure you are as offended as anyone else over steroid abuse. But when you get a look at Jason Giambi these days, don't you grudgingly have to ask: How good was that stuff he was on?

This time last year, the Stanley Cup final was deadlocked between two stubborn sides who refused to surrender even though no one was paying attention. This year, the hockey debates are deadlocked between two stubborn sides who refuse to surrender even though no one is paying attention. The fun wore off of that, huh?

Brian Hill? What, was Matt Guokas busy?

Terrell Owens should be happy the NFL has outlawed horse-collar tackles. Sadly for him, however, tackling horse's rears is still legal.

After glancing at the NBA mock drafts, are we absolutely certain that Florida's Anthony Roberson didn't become the first college player to declare early for the CBA draft?

First Lou Piniella, now La Russa. Is there something about managers from Tampa that drives Schilling crazy. If so, I can't wait to hear what he thinks of Reds manager Dave Miley.

In case you didn't know, Manchester United needs a new goalkeeper. Just to show everyone that he does know soccer, after all, Malcolm Glazer has pledged to sign Sylvester Stallone.

Yes, it was sad to see Todd Marinovich was busted again. Still, you have admire a guy who has maintained his playing condition, don't you?

Burt Reynolds may slap me around for this, but no, I haven't seen The Longest Yard. If I want to watch fake football, I'll just go to an Arena game.

I did, however, see the new Star Wars movie. It was great, especially when Gary Bettman loses the sword fight to Obi-Wan.

Did you see where English soccer player David Beckham says that someday, he would like to go to the moon. While he is there, perhaps he can say hello to Dewon Brazelton.

The fans walked out on the Rays? I thought that happened in '98.

Bud Adams, the Titans owner, said that "it doesn't make sense" that the NFL voted the '09 Super Bowl to Tampa Bay. Let me get this straight: A guy who wears Hank Stram's old hair is talking about things that make sense?

Not that Tonya Harding has packed on a couple of ounces lately, but during her recent fight in Jackson, Miss., Clarion-Ledger writer Rick Cleveland heard the following taunt: "Hey, is that Tonya, or is that Butterbean?"

The more you think about Gruden and The Longest Yard, the more you expect him to sign a couple of free agents from the film. After all, Gruden knows that when it comes to playing with hardened criminals, it beats the heck out of the softened ones.

Going into Friday's games, Mike Piazza had thrown out four of 45 potential base stealers. I'm not sure who the four guys he caught were, but I'm pretty sure one of them was that statue of Hank Aaron outside of Turner Field.

Finally, a little advice to Marion Jones. If you want to run from those nasty drug rumors, perhaps you should do so a little more quickly.

[Last modified May 29, 2005, 01:05:19]


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