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Off/beat

The guilt, the joy, that Frappuccino

By JAMAL THALJI
Published June 19, 2005

LAND O'LAKES - Friday was the trial run, but Saturday was for real. Finally, Starbucks is in town.

Yes!

No!

Or rather, in the sprawl, as it were. Regardless, the ultimate symbol of suburban conformity and rampant consumerism has finally come to central Pasco, to Land O'Lakes' Collier Commons shopping center.

Now everyone has a place to go to guzzle overcaffeinated, overpriced drinks while looking, and acting, far, far more important than they ever will be in life.

Man, that sounds great, doesn't it?

No.

Shut up.

The thing is, I can't go in there.

Can't do it.

What I mean is, I can go there, since I have free will and this is (still) a free country and all. It's just that I shouldn't go in there.

You're weak.

It's not that I have a problem.

Dude, you so have a problem.

It's not like if I stop going in there I'll start talking to myself. Again.

Uh ...

I just like Frappuccino. Maybe a bit too much.

And by "like" you mean "dangerously addicted to."

What I mean is, Starbucks might be good (oh it's soooo good.) But it's not good for me.

Amen.

But the Frappuccino is special. It's not the Caffe Americano, and its measly 15 calories. Or the 80-calorie Tazo Shaken Iced Tea. Or even the overpriced bottles of water.

Now the caramel Frappuccino. That's a man's uh ... fancy coffee drink. Those, I really like.

"Like" as in "sickeningly obsessed with."

Basically, it's a dreamy, creamy, sugary, coffee-flavored $4 mile-and-ice smoothie topped with (sigh) whipped cream and (grrr) caramel sauce.

Extra caramel, if I'm in a bad mood.

Or a good mood. Either one.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Yet, amazingly, it's not the healthiest beverage.

According to Starbucks.com there are (whoa!) 430 calories in a Grande-sized, 16-ounce caramel mocha Frappuccino blended coffee with whipped cream. And to think I only drank Venti all those years.

That includes 140 calories of (ugh) fat, 16 grams of (ohh) total fat and 10 grams of saturated (yeesh) fat. There's also 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of (ouch!) total carbohydrates and 52 (gulp!) grams of sugars.

But it's got 6 grams of protein - and 20 percent calcium!

Man, is there even real coffee in there?

Wait. That doesn't sound all bad.

No! It's bad! It's all bad!

Now it's not like I'm an addict. I'm not going to rip off your car stereo just to get a Frappuccino.

Only because you don't know how to.

Thing is, I'm trying to lose weight. And I can't do that if I'm downing 430 calories of Frappuccino daily.

Well, except maybe on special occasions.

Like Thursdays.

Weak. Weak!

So there's finally a Starbucks nearby in central Pasco and I can't go there.

I mean, shouldn't. I shouldn't go there.

Can't. Can't!

Now I'm not saying I've been totally good. I've had moments of weakness where I've found myself inside a Starbucks, the forbidden drink in hand.

. . >. And the Starbucks barista cowering behind the counter, dialing 911.

Then again, maybe I'll just stop by the Land O'Lakes Starbucks every so often for something else.

Oh no . . .

Maybe I'll go just to buy the newspaper.

This newspaper, boss, I swear.

Or maybe I'll just grab a bottle of healthy water.

Yeah, right.

Or maybe I'll just hang with friends.

You don't have any.

Well, I used too, anyway. A really good one.

And it was sweet.

[Last modified June 19, 2005, 00:38:17]