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Review

Hulk, you're no Ozzy

The premiere of Hogan Knows Best suggests that, even with a few staged embellishments, life in the Hogan household is unlikely to pin viewers. Hogan Knows Best, premieres Sunday at 10 p.m. on VH1. Grade: C.

By CHASE SQUIRES
Published July 9, 2005

Fading professional wrestler/actor and Pinellas County resident Hulk Hogan has lost a step or two in the ring. Earlier this year, he admitted as much. He's 51, balding, feuding with the town of Belleair, and has had a hip replacement.

Ouch.

But at home, Hulk's still king.

At least that's how he plays himself in VH1's Hogan Knows Best, another addition to the channel's lineup of "celebrity reality," premiering Sunday.

Hogan (a.k.a. Terry Bollea) doesn't stink up the joint as a reality star. He's not offensive or abusive or rude or stupid or unreasonable. That will prove to be the downfall of Hogan Knows Best, because, sad to say, he's not amusing or interesting or entertaining either.

The show purports to follow the real life of Hogan, wife, Linda, 14-year-old son Nick, and 16-year-old daughter Brooke, also an aspiring singer. Yeah, real, everyday, life - with visible microphone transmitters pinned to their belts.

The first episode centers around Brooke's wish to go on a date with a 22-year-old auto parts dealer with nipple rings. Good, normal father that he is, the Hulkster has some reservations. Weird television father that he is, instead of forbidding the date he has a tracking device installed in her car and follows her movements on the Internet.

It's not as creepy as it sounds. Really.

Hogan tries to play the part. He flexes his impressive muscles, he talks tough ("Linda and I don't take any crap from the kids") and he does his best to act like an overwhelmed dad caught in today's modern kid world.

In a telephone conference call with reporters earlier this year, Hogan talked about his ongoing battle with Belleair officials over the animals at his 2.3-acre spread, which at various times have included six dogs, three French hens, five tortoises, two chinchillas and a noisy rooster named Lilly.

In true Hulkster style, Hulk vowed to go to the mat with officials and fight the city to the end. He even pondered a run for local political office.

That stuff would have made for a fun reality show, I'd love to see Hulk on the campaign trail.

But not this tired family stuff. Ozzy Osbourne already did it, better. In fact, rather than being pathetic and lost like Ozzy, Hogan commits an even bigger television sin. He's boring.

[Last modified July 9, 2005, 01:01:15]