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Family Matters

Older singles can find connections

By BARBARA RHODE
Published July 17, 2005

Today Neighborhood Times continues its column on family and relationship issues. The advice comes from Barbara Rhode, a licensed psychotherapist who lives in St. Petersburg. Send in your questions, and Barbara will make composites of the best or most common themes and answer them. Of course, this does not substitute for professional counseling.

I have a problem similar to the one in last week's column. I find it impossible to meet single people in my age group. Everyone seems to be in their 20s and 30s or elderly/retired and married. I'm in my mid 50s and single. I work in another county and get home late, so there's no way to meet people in downtown St. Petersburg during the day. Any ideas?

My 14-year-old son has become very angry with his father, who lives in the same town as we do. He has been in and out of jobs and prison, making a lot of promises that he never keeps. He doesn't really spend any quality time with our son, just stops by once in awhile to harass me and usually promises to buy our son something that never happens. I am worried about the effect this is having on him.

In other circumstances, a conversation with his father would be my first recommendation, but I hesitate in view of his "harassment." An alternative would be to open a discussion with your son, acknowledging how he must feel when his father's promises come up repeatedly empty. If your son cannot identify his emotions, suggest some. "I would be angry if my dad said ..." Or "I know someone else whose father does that and he feels upset when ..."

Children are not always able to identify their feelings because they are so immersed in them. But remember, as much as you may want to, you cannot fix this for your son. You can only help him understand what he is feeling and then develop the coping skills necessary to handle these chronic disappointments. And that can take a lifetime of learning. Your task is to avoid speaking badly about his father in front of him - as tempting as that might be. Instead, acknowledge the facts of Dad's behavior and help your son express his feelings in a healthy manner.

This might be a great time for a mentor or counselor. And try to make it a male.

My 10-year-old daughter started her period a few months ago. She is somewhat overweight and has started these changes a few years younger than her sisters and most of her friends. I am pretty upset about this. She seems so young and doesn't really understand what this is all about. Help!

You might benefit first from talking with a trusted friend or family member to sort out your own feelings about this. When you stop and think about it, the onset of her menses proves that her body is functioning normally, albeit early. Your "baby" is on the road to becoming a young woman.

We can normalize and celebrate these processes and help girls see that this new stage of development is just a normal part of life. There is a wonderful book I recommend by Judith Duerk, A Circle of Stones, that focuses on these life-giving changes and the messages we give our daughters about them. So take a deep breath and celebrate!

To contact Barbara Rhode, licensed marriage and family therapist, e-mail her at brhode840@hotmail.com or mail your questions to Barbara Rhode, c/o Sharon Tubbs, assistant suburban news editor, St. Petersburg Times, 490 First Ave. S, St. Petersburg, FL 33701.

[Last modified July 17, 2005, 01:05:20]