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Welcome back, Kotter - and Tattoo, and J.R., and ...

By STEVE PERSALL
Published July 22, 2005

Why can't Hollywood come up with any original ideas?

I've heard that question too many times to count, as moviegoers get ever more fed up with sequels, updated versions of old films, and remakes of popular television shows. Aside from higher prices, it's the factor mentioned most often in discussions about Hollywood's record-breaking box office slump.

A new version of Bad News Bears opens nationwide today, joining Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Dark Water, Batman Begins, Bewitched, The Longest Yard, The Honeymooners, Herbie: Fully Loaded, Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith and a fourth zombie flick from George A. Romero in megaplexes. The Dukes of Hazzard remake adds to the crowd of recycled entertainment next week.

Why don't studios use fresher ideas? Because they don't need them to make money.

Let's try a fun experiment. Here's a rundown of 10 possible movie remakes of television shows. Only one of these projects is genuine. The others are figments of more imagination than a lot of screenwriters use these days. We'll reveal the real deal at the column's conclusion.

But ask yourself along the way: Would I really want to see that movie?

Our lineup begins with:

* Fantasy Island: Antonio Banderas replaces Ricardo Montalban's sexy accent as Mr. Roarke, the mysterious host who teaches guests that having dreams come true isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Multiple story lines go in any direction, as long as skimpy swimwear and musical interludes are involved. (Maybe Jessica Simpson will play multiple roles!) Verne "Mini Me" Troyer and Peter Dinklage (The Station Agent) are obvious Tattoo choices, but in the interest of creativity, we'll draft Shaquille O'Neal.

* The Six Billion Dollar Man: That's billion, with a "b." We have to adjust for inflation since 1973 when astronaut Steve Austin (Lee Majors) was rebuilt with bionic limbs and implants. Take your pick of action heroes to play Austin, figure out how to introduce the Bionic Woman for a sequel, and keep the cheesy electronic sound effect when the hero runs, or muscles something.

* Dallas vs. Dynasty: The showdowns that nighttime soap opera fans always fantasized about: Alexis Carrington vs. Sue Ellen Ewing, Blake vs. J.R. and Lucy vs. Sammi Jo. Lots of money, sex, murder, sex, deception and maybe a little more sex. And it all turns out to be Pam Ewing's dream. Hire the Desperate Housewives and split them on separate teams.

* All in the Family: Cedric the Entertainer can follow his Honeymooners remake with another race reversal on a working class TV icon. Archie and Edith Bunker now live in Brooklyn with their daughter Gloria, who's interracially married to a meathead. Hilarity ensues when new neighbors, the Jeffersons, turn out to be same-sex spouses. These are the days.

* Bonanza: A new generation of Cartwrights runs the Ponderosa ranch; much younger guns pulling triggers more often. Grandpa Little Joe (maybe Kevin Costner?) can't ride herd on them. In addition to a range war, Miss Kitty's granddaughter moved all the way from Dodge City and another TV series to give these rowdy cowboys something to slap leather about.

* Underdog: Another 1960s cartoon favorite goes the live-action route, a la Scooby-Doo. There's no need to fear: Digital tricks can make real dogs do anything these days. You will believe a canine can fly, as mild-mannered Shoeshine Boy (maybe Matthew Broderick mimicking Wally Cox) becomes the superhero Underdog to rescue sweet Polly Purebred from the clutches of Simon Bar Sinister. The first movie with newspaper ads specially designed for housebreaking puppies.

* Welcome Back, Kotter: Not as much comedy this time, because situations with high school students have changed since 1975 when the sitcom debuted. Gabe Kotter returns to Brooklyn as a teacher, finding a bleaker school spirit than he knew as a former Sweathog. He soothes Vinnie Barbarino's pregnant girlfriend, Boom-Boom Washington's gang pressure, Juan Epstein's grief over his mother's death, and Arnold Horshack's unnerving fascination with guns.

* WKRP in Cincinnati: Baby, if you ever wondered whatever became of Venus Flytrap and Johnny Fever and the rest of the radio station crew, they're coming back. Of course, WKRP now relies on computer programming and fired everyone except Arthur "Big Guy" Carlson. Venus and Johnny take over the airwaves by force, becoming folk heroes for their raunchy shows. How raunchy? Well, let's just say those won't be turkeys dropped from helicopters as a promotional stunt.

* Baretta: Robert Blake's recent murder trial (and acquittal) brought this mid-1970s cop series back into public awareness. The beauty of an update is that Baretta doesn't have any special requirement except his pet cockatoo. Producers can practically use any cop thriller script on the shelf, change the hero's name, add the bird and bank on a solid opening weekend.

* Hawaii Five-O: Beautiful locale, plenty of action possibilities, and the bikini factor is off the chart. The 50th state's elite police force is led by Steve McGarrett Jr. (Paul Walker has the hair) and his partner Danny "Dan-O" Williams, who's in charge of falling into traps and waiting for McGarrett's rescue, and booking suspects. Get System of a Down to cover the theme song and the MTV crowd's secured.

Remember: Only one of those 10 movies is actually scheduled for production. That would be Underdog, which is supposed to reach theaters in 2007.

If any of the bogus projects seriously piqued your interest, you're part of the reason why Hollywood doesn't have creative ideas.

So don't buy a ticket to something like Bewitched or War of the Worlds, then complain that filmmakers have run out of ideas. Hollywood asks: Do you want this? If you answer, "Yes, here's my money," that's the end of the conversation.

- Steve Persall can be reached at persall@sptimes.com or 727 893-8365.

[Last modified July 21, 2005, 09:10:03]