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Guest column

Kids not keeping in touch? Try these tips

By DOUGLAS SPANGLER
Published August 4, 2005

So you're down here in Florida, and your adult kids up North are ignoring you, huh? Well, this is a common dilemma, but just as sure as there are cures being offered on television for diseases that have not been discovered, there are cures for this very real and ever-present disease known as Kiditis. Symptoms include unreturned phone calls and e-mails to them from you. Other symptoms include amnesia when it comes to birthdays and holidays.

But, as they say on television, relief is on the way. Just follow these simple tips, and you will find this dreaded disease will fade away, or at least lessen in the severity of its symptoms:

Win the Florida lottery. There is nothing that renews kids' interest in you more than suddenly coming into some cold, hard cash. You will be amazed how solicitous and interested your kids can become when they think there might be some spillage from your pot o' gold.

Warning: A side effect of this cure may include sudden interest from many other relatives, and even strangers.

Become famous. Shoot, even people who know actors slightly claim to be their friends. So why not do something worthy of national acclaim so your kids will be proud to be associated with you? A suggestion popular here in Florida is to defy your neighborhood association, but make sure you do it for a good and worthy reason. If you do this, be sure to mention that you are a veteran, a grandmother, grandfather or were at one time a Boy or Girl Scout, just to show you are not doing the defying just for the sake of publicity.

Get ethnic. They say that ethnic mothers and fathers are the best ones at inducing guilt. No matter what nationality you are, take some lessons from these groups and try to instill some good old-fashioned angst in your kids. Of course, your kids might be a little startled when you say, "Oy vey!" or "Mama mia!" to what they say or do, but at least you will have gotten their attention. Plus, you are building a solid foundation on the pathway to good, substantial guilt.

Become totally hip. Throw away all of those phrases you have known most of your life. Get with it and start referring to your Palm Pilot as a guide for your entire life. Drop references to P. Diddy and Seal into your conversations. Better yet, start mentioning that you just might be thinking about getting a trophy husband or wife at this stage in your life. All of this will certainly at least pique their interest.

Mention a possible move. Start playing around with your kids' heads by hinting that you might just move back up North, near them. For instance, begin talking about how much you really miss the snow and slush and ice. Tell them you got a little teary-eyed the other night when the low was 60 degrees, so you turned on the heat, put a sweater on, played Christmas carols and drank cocoa.

Mention that you certainly miss dropping in at all hours of the day. They'll probably listen to your every word and perk up their calls to you almost immediately.

Well, there you are. Five easy-to-follow tips to make your kids stand up and take notice. Just don't tell them I told you.

Douglas Spangler, a writer and former university administrator, lives in Palm Harbor.

[Last modified August 4, 2005, 01:05:20]