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Family matters

Pulling hair isn't all that unusual

By BARBARA RHODE
Published August 14, 2005

My 10-year-old stepdaughter has started to pull her hair out. I am finding quite a bit of hair in the morning on the bathroom floor and on her pillow. I know that they are not just falling out because I watched her the other day twirl it and then pull each one out individually. I don't know how to handle this. It seems so strange. I have never heard of anyone else doing this before. Could it be from her parents' divorce and now his marriage to me?

As strange at it seems to you, pulling hair is not that unusual. Trichotillomania (or uncontrollable hair-pulling) is a disorder that affects more females than males and typically starts at about your daughter's age. The good news is that she may not even have the clinical disorder but just be exhibiting some of the symptoms.

"Trich" is classified as an Impulse Control Disorder and is best treated with behavior therapy and/or medication. I would get her in to see a psychiatrist or therapist who specializes in this disorder as soon as possible. When left untreated, the actual pulling ritual can solidify into a pretty tough habit to break.

You also might want to check out this Web site, www.trich.org or contact the Trichotillomania Learning Center in California at 831 457-1004 to learn more about the disorder and treatments available. They also publish a quarterly newsletter that highlights the current research on chronic hair-pulling and prints personal stories that she might be able to relate to.

The research confirms that nothing you or your husband are doing is directly causing this disorder. Trichotillomania is a neurobiological disorder and is not directly linked to childhood trauma, even that of divorce. Stress can make the symptoms worse, but there is no proof that it causes a hair-pulling compulsion.

Experts have yet to really understand what causes it, but it has been a part of history for centuries, and certain documented cases have been triggered by head trauma. Above all, don't make your daughter feel crazy or weird for pulling hair out. Gently bring it to her attention when you see her pulling and help her understand that she can do things to break the habitual part of the disorder.

My girlfriend made me promise that I would write in and tell you about this problem we are having. She says that lately I am becoming jealous and too possessive. I don't know what is happening, but I don't want her to go anywhere without me. It's not that I don't trust her, it's everyone else out there that I don't trust. I know how guys my age are (I am in my late 20s), and I can't stand the idea of some guy hitting on her. My girlfriend says I am getting worse, and she is thinking about breaking up with me because of it.

Webster defines jealousy as "vigilant in guarding a possession," so let's start there. Friends are never, ever possessions, especially girlfriends. Eastern philosophy teaches that human suffering is derived from attachments, and it sounds as if you are both suffering and attached.

Loving someone is different from being attached to them in an unhealthy way. The issue isn't that you can't trust everyone else out there. And you clearly state that you can trust her. So why not put some of that trust into action by trusting her to know how to handle some guy's unwelcome advances? Then practice trusting her to make ethical decisions, even in the face of temptation.

You also could trust her to act like an adult and respect this relationship that the two of you have together. Remember, jealousy is really a fear-based emotion. You might want to examine some of your own beliefs about the relationship and then about trusting someone in general. My hunch is that you are carrying around some faulty beliefs that are underlying this fear. When you can get at them, you can change the way you feel and act.

Examples of a faulty belief would be that people are out to get you or that you are not good enough, so naturally she is going to find someone better. These kinds of beliefs will undermine your ability to build a healthy, long-term relationship with any woman. Until you deal with them, you are going to find yourself sinking over and over again into a jealousy and possessiveness trap. There are capable therapists out there to assist on this path of self-exploration. If you need some recommendations, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Barbara Rhode is a licensed marriage and family therapist who lives in St. Petersburg. Her column on family and relationship issues, which appears Sundays in Neighborhood Times, does not, of course, substitute for professional counseling.

To contact Rhode, e-mail her at brhode840@hotmail.com or mail your questions to Barbara Rhode, c/o Sharon Tubbs, assistant suburban news editor, St. Petersburg Times, 490 First Ave. S, St. Petersburg, FL 33701.

[Last modified August 14, 2005, 00:53:19]