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Family Matters
Replace smoking with a new ritual
By BARBARA RHODE
Published August 21, 2005
I quit smoking about three months ago with the help of the patch. I've smoked on and off for 30 years. I quit once before for 10 years but started up again when life got too stressful. My problem is that I am still craving cigarettes. I don't think it is the nicotine I am missing as much as the relaxing ritual of going outside and smoking for a few minutes. I am thinking about buying a pack and locking it up somewhere so I can let myself have one when things get bad!
No wonder smoking is such a difficult addiction to break. Most smokers would probably agree with you that the ritual itself had become an important part of their lives. Smokers everywhere huddle in chatty groups outside their places of business, taking breaks and enjoying each other's company. You almost have to envy the camaraderie and extra moments of relaxation this allows them.
First of all, please do not give in to the urge to buy a pack and trust yourself to keep it locked away. Chances are, if you do that, you will quickly fall back into a full-time smoking habit. What about creating a new ritual that includes 10 minute breaks throughout the day with some relaxing music, meditation or guided imagery? This might feel artificial at first but put some time and thought into it and be creative. Reward yourself for not smoking by replacing that unhealthy ritual with something new that is actually good for you. Perhaps we could all learn something from our smoking friends. Instead of inhaling toxins that everyone pays dearly for, we could give ourselves some moments every few hours to just breathe deeply, enjoy either the solitude or companionship and step out of the rat race.
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My son is a freshman in high school and he is being teased by some of the bigger kids because of his height. Unlike a lot of his peers, he has not yet started his growth spurt. He is handling it as best he can, but I feel bad that he has to go through this. We have explained to him that kids who resort to teasing don't typically feel very good about themselves. I don't know what else I can do to help him get through this.
Childhood teasing has almost become a rite of passage for some of our children. Unless your child looks exactly like every other kid, someone is bound to find something to tease him or her about. The problem is that once other children realize they have hit a sore spot, they tend to go after it again and again. Arming him with some quick retorts is one way to handle it. Role plays work well here. Let him tease you about something and then model funny comebacks or the power of a silent stance. Also make sure he feels good about himself through involvement in sports or some other extracurricular activity. Speaking with his school is also an option. Public schools are taking bullying and teasing a lot more seriously these days so consider a private discussion with the principal or counselor.
As difficult as it can be for parents who love their children, teasing can be a life teacher for our children. It can create in them a level of compassion and empathy that isn't learned any other way. I would not want to cheat my children out of some of that. But you as the parent must weigh the effect it is having on him. At one level it can be a positive teaching tool. Too much teasing can create a situation where his attitude about school and peers is being adversely affected. Watch for signs that he is starting to feel overwhelmed and step in if you think he needs an advocate.
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Could you please recommend a divorce support group in St. Petersburg?
There are quite a few, but I will be able to mention only a couple. DivorceCare meets at the First United Methodist Church in downtown St. Petersburg and is getting ready to start a new session on Sept. 7 at 6:30 p.m. It is free and follows the curriculum of DivorceCare, which can be checked out on its Web site, www.divorcecare.com For more information about that specific group, call Barbara at 727 492-5455. Some DivorceCare groups also offer DivorceCare for Kids, which is a free group for children affected by divorce. You may be able to find others on the Internet. Best of luck!
Barbara Rhode is a licensed marriage and family therapist who lives in St. Petersburg. Her column on family and relationship issues, which appears Sundays in Neighborhood Times, does not, of course, substitute for professional counseling.
To contact Rhode, e-mail her at brhode840@hotmail.com or mail your questions to Barbara Rhode, c/o Sharon Tubbs, assistant suburban news editor, St. Petersburg Times, 490 First Ave. S, St. Petersburg, FL 33701.
[Last modified August 21, 2005, 00:50:20]
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